Saturday, November 7, 2015

| dear every guy who has ever...|

Dear Every Guy Who Ever Treated Me Poorly,
Now I know this much be weird, me writing a letter to you. You is such a broad term anyways. Mostly because this letter can be addressed to so many people. I wanted to write an individual note to everyone who has ever hurt me but what is that saying? Aint nobody got time for that? So I decided to write an open letter; those are big on the internet nowadays, right?
Above all, the purpose of this letter, is to say thank you.
Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be treated like garbage. Thank you for making me feel like less and that I’m only worth a damn if I put out. Thank you for telling me I have a pretty face but not the body to match. Thank you for making excuses and never fully committing to me. Thank you for making being left in the dark feel like a comfortable normal. Thank you for asking me to leave when you realize you weren’t going to get anything else from me. Thank you for not taking me out in public because you were embarrassed by me. Thank you for the emotional and physical bruises that never quit hurting. Thank you for calling me cute nicknames like ham sandwich or tits. Thank you for always telling me that someday a guy will finally love me but that you’re not ready to settle for someone like me. Thank you for constantly telling me how hot my friends are or trying to take another girl home right in front of me (on Valentine’s Day). Thank you for breaking up with me because I’m fat and ugly.  Thank you for all the hurtful, manipulative, and controlling things you’ve said and done to me.

Thank you for telling me I’m not worth loving.
Thank you for all these things, and thousands more, because they taught me the art of being broken. I wish I could say that I knew all the things you said were wrong right away. But it took days, months, and years to reconcile what happened. Every. Single. Time. My head and my heart (as well as my friends  and I) fought constantly. Lies are more seductive and taste sweeter when they are on the lips of someone you love. I went to battle to defend these awful words and actions because they were the only possessions I had left to hold onto when you finally decided to leave.
But time and time again I felt dirty.
I felt undeserving.
Broken fit like a glove.
I wore defeated like a badge of honor.
I felt swallowed alive. I came to terms with the loneliness and accepted the fact that happily ever after only happens for the beautiful and worthy. Because these were two things you told me that I definitely was not.
But one day I woke up. I looked in the mirror at the girl standing in front of me and I saw chaos. I saw wild hair, weary eyes, and a messy soul. And I’ll be damned; it was beautiful.
Now you’re probably wondering how any of this has to do with you (of course you are; you’re selfish). I’m getting there. Be patient.
At the risk of going all Taylor Swift on you, I came to a place where I could say, “I think I am finally clean.” I don’t know how it happened or what finally changed. But as soon as I saw my imperfections and weaknesses as puzzle pieces, jagged edges sprinkled with some perfectly rounded ends, I realized that being messy is something I’m proud of. Because it makes me human. Which means I’m capable of loving and of being loved.
So thank you. Thank you for showing me my true colors. Thank you for giving me strength and making way for me to build myself back up. Thank you for allowing me to find beauty in brokenness.
And now I have someone who truly sees me. Humpty dumpty-put-back-together and all. And he finds me beautiful and worthy of being love. Every day he chooses me. Every day he breaks the mold that was created before him. But if it wasn’t for you, all of you, I don’t know if I would be able to appreciate him the way I do. He fills in all the cracks where the glued back pieces never quite fit back together. He makes me thankful it never worked out before. He makes me believe in myself and constantly tears down the walls I sometimes put up in defense. He makes me not afraid to leave my heart vulnerable.
Thank you for helping me figure out who I am.
You will never hear me say that what you did and what you said didn’t hurt like hell. My heart is covered in scars and calluses that will never fade. But I see them as stories that lead to the good part. They are paths and roads that all lead me to the same place.
They led me to happiness.
They led me to beauty.
They led me to freedom.
And they led me to unbelievable love.
So thank you for all the things you did.
You helped me find my voice.
You helped me find my place.
I hope you know that I don’t hate you, I never could. 
And that I hope that one day, someday, you too can embrace the freedom of being messy. 
Because it's damn beautiful. 

Monday, July 20, 2015

| sick weekend |

this weekend wasn't one for the books in the traditional sense.

i've been battling a stomach virus for about 10 days now so most of my weekend was spent with a bun on top of my head and comfy pj shorts. saturday i had work in the morning and after a long shift i headed home to crash. bobby met me at my house toting a trader joes bag full of wii games to play. we set up camp in front of the tv and spent hours battling each other in super smash brothers and mario party. after a while i felt really lightheaded so we went to my room and cuddled until my brother, his girlfriend, and my aunt and grandma showed up for nicks late birthday bbq. we all gathered around the table, sharing stories, and eating corn on the cob. after cake and presents everyone made their way home and i found myself back in bed. bobby stayed as late as he could before leaving to go to his brothers birthday party. 

sunday i got woken up to a work crisis and had to rush to the store to open up shop. i stayed for about an hour to get things situated then i went back home to plant myself back on the couch. bobby showed up around eleven thirty and we ate mexican food i shouldn't have eaten and watched big daddy with my dad. after that we busted the wii out again and bobby got his ass handed to him in super smash brothers (hes not writing this so i can say i won all the games and there's nothing he can do about it!) we also played a bunch of wii games and a janky version of the price is right. all in all it was a fun day. we spent the late part of the evening being silly and cuddling.

it's a strange thing; doing nothing with someone you love. it feels like everything. he gave up his whole weekend to play games and lay around with me. and there's really no one else i'd rather have kept me company. i feel myself dreading the time before i know he's about to leave. it feels like a part of me leaves every time he goes home. i'm taking that as a good sign. almost a year into this relationship and i find myself wanting to be around him more and more.

i'm a very lucky girl. a stomach virus and messy bun isn't a match for the love of my fantastic boyfriend. i look forward to more lazy saturdays and competitive sundays to come. i just hope they have a lot less stomach aches and a lot more greasy mexican food.

| new jobs & new changes |

last week i had to make a big decision.

do i stay doing something i love, even though it drains the life out of me?
or do i take a leap. a chance. an opportunity for something new?

i took the second route.

i've been with european wax center for about 10 months now. seven months ago i got promoted to a shift manager. four months ago i got promoted to assistant manager. and two months ago i got my final promotion to being designated manager of my entire location. it was overwhelming and scary and exciting all at once. i've been my own boss. i make my own schedule. and i get to work every single day with my best friends. but to keep up with sales quotas and expectations i found myself working six, seven, ten, thirteen days in a row. when someone called in sick i was the only person who could step up. my phone was always glued to my hand and during dinners with bobby i found myself texting coworkers and consistently talking about work. it completely consumed my life. i loved what i was doing but i was always at work. nights and weekends. and when i would be off work i would cry because i was so tired. bobby urged me to keep my options open and start looking for a new job.

right before i got promoted to designated manager i had interviewed with the same company that charla works at. it was a scanning and mail job but it was a foot in the door. i ended up getting passed up for the position and i took it as a sign that i was making the right decision for choosing to be manager.

i had completed my first month of management when i got a call. there was a new position open and a person who had sat in on my first interview was interested in bringing me in for an interview with her department; which also happened to be the same department my good friend, mentor, and old coworker jamie works in. i accepted an interview date and immediately began panicking. the entire week leading up to my interview i was at odds with myself. i was happy in my position. but man was i tired. i just decided to go to the interview and see how it went.

two days later i was offered the position.

it was the greatest and worst news i'd heard in a long time. what do i do? i literally asked everyone i could. my mom. dad. bobby. charla. jamie. marguerite. pretty much anyone who would listen. and everyone told me what i knew in my heart.

i needed to take the job.

it offered benefits, a flexible schedule, and most importantly; nights and weekends off. the freedom to walk out of work and not have to constantly be responsible for the success of an entire business.

i spent the following days crying and changing my mind. how could i leave my job? it didn't feel like a job. we had 4th of july potlucks and asked about each other about our weekends. we went line dancing together and spent our lunch breaks sharing embarrassing stories over chipotle.

but finally, i made up my mind. i called stephanie, my new supervisor, and accepted the position two fridays ago.

i have four days left of work, a weekend, and then i start my new job. i'm both excited and nervous and anxious and elated. a lot of emotions over here!

anyways, i hope with this new job i'll have more time and energy to write. i think it will be a good thing for me.

i'm excited for whats next.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

| start again |

how do you start again when it's been so long?
i can't remember the last time i sat down to write. 
why is that?
maybe because i only write when my heart is broken. 
or when i feel lost.
is that why i'm writing again?
because i'm lost?
my heart is doing okay these days so that must be it.

i wish i made more time to write. it's the only time i ever truly feel like myself. i used to want to make a career out of writing but i don't think that's something that would be worthwhile for me. i can't manufacture my heart. i don't want my ideas to be required; i want them to come in like a cool breeze when the timing is right. slow & steady. calm & easy.

it's crazy to read back through these posts and read the things i wrote. sometimes it shocks me. sometimes it makes me proud. a lot of the time it makes me sad and nostalgic. 

but mostly it inspires me.

i don't want to make a decree that i'm going to start writing again because lord knows i've done that way too many times. so this is just a reminder to myself.


start writing again.
you love it.
it makes you feel normal.
it balances you.
it helps you love the messy parts of yourself.

oh, and p.s.

you're going to be okay

x's and o's

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

| penny & sparrow +sf weekend away |

this weekend was perfect. 
i mean, if i could have ever imagined what a perfect weekend would look like..
it would have been this one. 

back in august, as an early birthday present, bobby bought me tickets to see penny &sparrow play in the city and as part of the present we decided to stay the night and make a little weekend getaway out of it. so on friday, bobby and i both took the day off and made our way out of town for our little vacation. concord was our first stop and after buying two bart tickets, we loaded our duffle bags and selves onto the train and took off towards san francisco. we shared headphones and listened to a playlist i made on his ipod and people watched as we zoomed through tunnel after tunnel. finally, our stop came and we hopped off and made our way from underground to the street. our hotel was right across the street and my goodness, was it gorgeous. we stayed at the hotel whitcomb, which is an old historical hotel in san francisco. there were chandeliers and bell boys in coats and top hats. i felt a little underdressed in my flats and scarf but i didn't think on it too hard because before i knew it we were hopping on our gold elevator and making our way up to our room. the room was really pretty. i loved the vaulted ceilings and big windows (that i of course opened immediately). after changing, checking out a map of the area, and snagging some drinks from starbucks we walked hand in hand towards union square for some shopping. we only had time to go to one store so we went to old navy (which had three floors!) and after talking myself out of buying everything i settled on a new dress while bobby bought a new button up. we walked back to our hotel, accompanied by all the crazies on the street, and i linked my arm into his to keep close. once we were back in our room i hurried to fix my curls, slid on a pair of tights, painted on some lipstick and eyeliner, and finished it off with my new dress. i surprisingly felt really pretty and bobby looked handsome as ever in his new button up.

 i slid our concert tickets into my purse and off we went to the venue. we opted to take bart again instead of a taxi, which ended up saving us a lot of time and money in the long run. we only had to walk a few blocks from the station until we arrived at our venue, the chapel, with a little over an hour to spare. so we decided to grab some drinks at the restaurant attached to it and share a plate of fries. bobby got a moscow mule and i got some crazy lavender and rosemary drink.

after we finished eating we walked next door to the venue and waited for it to start. i was anxious for it to start because i had been waiting months and months to finally see penny & sparrow. even though they were only opening for the other act, so their set wouldn't be terribly long, i figured anything was better than nothing! as the show was getting close to starting i let out an excited breath when i saw the singer, andy, walking around with everyone else. bobby instantly grabbed my hand to pull me towards him but i got nervous, worried i was going to get super awkward and say something dumb! but as soon as he was finished talking to a few other people and made his way towards us bobby let out an, "excuse me sir" to grab his attention. andy walked over and after bobby explained that i was so excited to see them and that i had gotten tickets for my birthday a few months back and was an insanely huge fan, andy introduced himself to me and said he was very happy i was there. he was one of my the sweetest and more genuinely down-to-earth people i've ever met. which of course, made me love the band even more. he told me to meet them at the merch table after the set for a cd to which i shyly replied that i already had both. he laughed and asked if there were any songs i'd like to hear them play. which i laughed and said, "all of them?" i decided on two songs, one from each of their albums, and he promised to see what he could do. he shook our hands and set off to head backstage. we were front row and i have to say, i was completely and utterly mesmerized. his voice is one of the most hauntingly beautiful things i've ever heard. it was just him, singing, and kyle playing guitar but they silenced the room as soon as he opened his mouth. i got teary eyed at a few parts and sang along to every single song. and he did play one of the songs i requested to hear, creature, which i've written about on here before. it was gorgeous to hear. but i have to say my favorite song they did was their last. they took one of my favorite songs from their first album, a woman caught, and added in a christmas/worship song as the chorus. it was absolutely breathtaking. i started crying it was so incredibly beautiful. as soon as they were done i felt content yet empty at the same time. i never wanted it to stop. charla actually told me she felt depressed after it was over when she had seen them and i totally understand exactly what she was talking about. we waited for a few minutes afterwards because i wanted to thank them for their music and for playing creature for me but they were still backstage. after a few minutes i heard my name and turned around and saw andy walking towards me with something in his hand. he gave me a hug and thanked me for being there and then gave me the set list as a belated birthday gift. i thanked him profusely, dumbfounded, and told him how incredible i thought they were. i walked away elated and couldn't stop smiling. even now typing this, i can't believe how incredible humble and wonderful the guys were. and i thanked bobby a million times for giving me the courage (and push) to talk to him. i now have a wonderful piece of that night to keep forever.

after they played we elected to leave early and head back to the hotel since we were both exhausted. i grabbed a snack box and ice water from the starbucks in our hotel and after rinsing the city off of my skin, i sunk into some pjs and snacked with my love before heading to bed. we woke up early-ish but spent a good portion of the morning sharing funny pictures from our facebook feeds with each other and dozing off and on. bobby ran downstairs while i stayed curled up in bed and got us breakfast and teas to eat in bed before we had to get ready for check out. i think that was my favorite part of the whole trip. getting to share a lazy saturday morning together, curled up in a fluffy bed, and sharing hot chocolates and vanilla chai's together between kisses. with only 45 minutes til check out, we put the pedal to the floor and got everything packed up and ready for the day. our hotel was gracious enough to let us leave our belongings with them after check our so we could wander the city without having to carry our bags with us. we went to a few stores, bobby snagged a beanie to wear, and i got a leopard scarf and an america beanie (that i'm beyond stoked to wear) and after weaving in and out of stores we decided to eat at cafe bistro in nordstom's. the really neat thing about the restaurant is that it's on the top floor of the entire mall so you can see a lot of the city and architecture while eating. we held hands across the table and shared compliments and in that moment i was completely content with everything in life. after eating, we walked around the mall a little longer before heading into the movies to see big hero 6 (which is absolutely adorable by the way!) by the time we got out of the movies it was already after 5, so we made our way back to the hotel, grabbed our stuff, and hopped on the next bart train towards concord.

once we made it back to sacramento we stopped by bobbys house to grab his guitar so we could drop it off for his brother to borrow. we ate a late dinner at his parents house, caught up with a few of his siblings, and then bobby dropped me off at home. by the time i sunk into my bed i was beyond exhausted but a little sad that our weekend getaway was over.

sunday, i had work in the morning but then spent the rest of the day watching the lego movie with bobby, playing games and eating dinner with his family, and continuing our ritual of watching walking dead every sunday night. there was a moment, when i was curled up on the couch between bobby and his mom, with his dog ozzy laying on my lap, and surrounded by his three brothers, sister, dad, (and a million cats), that i felt at home. i love his crazy, loud family and i love being able to be a part of it, even in a small way.

this weekend i felt more love, more beauty, and more happiness than i have in a very long time. i'm so thankful for the man i get to share these moments with and for the love i receive from him.

i hope you all had a wonderful weekend too.
i love you all.

Monday, November 3, 2014

| november update |

i've been a failure of a blogger.
i wish i had some better excuse as to why i haven't been writing but honestly, i don't. i've been workin, schoolin, and livin. i wish i had the time to sit down and write out everything i've been doing but that would take a century. 

so i'll try my best to cover the bases. 

1) i finally have a job! after a stressful ten months of on and off work, potential lawsuits, and unorganized management, i have landed a job working for the european wax center and i absolutely LOVE it. i adore my coworkers, my manager is amazing, and i get to talk about beauty and skin all day. what could possibly be better? i also just landed a part time seasonal gig working for sephora through the holidays. i foresee lots and lots of makeup and presents in the near future.

2) i am in a relationship! i know i mentioned b in my last post but i haven't really had the opportunity to write about him. we met back in july, embarrassingly enough, from a dating app. yes, i met my boyfriend on tinder. but before you judge me i promise you that we both aren't the typical tinder folks. the only reason why i made a profile was because my friends little sister had recently broken up with someone and we were having a girls day together and she showed me some of the fellas that came through on her profile and i thought, hot damn, lemme get one of them! so i made a profile, which consisted of five words describing me and a few pictures. i had a few creepers try to holler and see if i was interested in casual sex with them within the first hour, which honestly, is 96% of tinder, but i decided i would keep my profile for a week or so. later that evening i had a mutual interest or "match" if you will with bobby and we hit it off. he was polite, interesting, and engaging. pretty much nothing i've ever had with any person of the opposite sex before. he said we should grab a beer sometime and talk (he actually wanted to get together to hear more about my writing,  a winner, i know!) and me being dumb and paranoid actually blew him off. i was afraid he was trying to get me liquored up and be a typical gross guy. i never responded to his text and we didn't talk for about a week. i ignored my profile and a few days later, right before the 4th of july, i got back on. i guess on tinder you can post "moments" which is pretty much just a picture of you and if you and a person are a match it pops up on their screen. you can either swipe right if you like it or swipe left if you are uninterested (the whole concept of tinder) and i didn't realize that same rule applied to the pictures so i was sliding all of the pictures people posted left then right then left then right just trying to get them off my screen! well i guess in the process i had liked one of bobbys pictures. talking to him now he took that as i was still interested in him since he hadn't heard from me when he had asked me out for a drink and he messaged me again. we started talking again, texting each other away from the app, and a few days later we met up at a dimple record store. and we hit it off. we walked around and laughed and then we went to a starbucks down the street (don't worry, i drove separate haha) and we ended up talking for four hours! he was goofy, strange, polite, and interesting in all the best ways. i wasn't sure if i was interested as a friend or if i liked him more but after a few more dates, a guitar lesson, and him getting a ride all the way out to elk grove to drive me home when i had a little bit too much to drink at 1am i decided he was definitely something special. we've had our ups and downs (mostly all of them being related to my insecurities and wounds from other relationships) but i realize that i've truly found someone special. i could gush about him for hours and hours but i'm sure all of you don't wanna read about that. but i will say i found a guy who takes me to his parents house for dinner and dances and spins me around in our socks, even when his family is watching. and i found a man who is confident enough to wear a pair of leopard prints pants to dress up with me on halloween and lets me listen to my new taylor swift cd in the car (on repeat). and i found someone who buys me stuffed animal kitties and bunnies because i can't have one on my own and remembers that i like my bean burritos grilled from taco bell when he wakes up at 2am to drive to my house and hand feed them to me when i had a little too much to drink (i promise im not an alcoholic!). i always thought romance was in the giant gestures, chasing after a departing plane, but i'm slowly starting to realize it's in the kisses on the forehead and remembering of little details. i know i'm a lucky lady and i hope i can work to show him how much i do appreciate him. 

3) i am at a crossroad with my schooling. i am one class away from being able to transfer to a 4-year university. and as exciting as that is, i am once again considering going to get my esthetician's license. it's something i've wanted for a long time but have put off to the side because i felt like i wouldn't be as successful or that people would judge me if i didn't get my 4-year degree. but my support system, the people who love me most, won't think any less of me and i think in the grand scheme of things, that's really the only thing that is important. i have a few more weeks to decide what i want to do. but in the meantime, any prayers or positive thoughts you can offer up would be greatly appreciated. 

4) i miss writing. i promise i will try harder to post more and keep up with it. it's something i love deeply and won't regret doing when i look back.

anyways, i'll post more soon. definitely including some pictures and more details.

but for now i leave you with some x's and o's

Friday, September 12, 2014

on the eve of twenty five

currently i am typing this from the bedroom of my best friends house in southern california. yesterday i loaded up my suitcase and hopped on a plane to come spend the next five days with one of my most favorite people. and of course, to ring in another year of life with someone who has been apart of it longer than she hasn't. 

i celebrated an early birthday with a dinner at the old spaghetti factory. my mom and dad were there, of course, my grandma and aunt janet, and my sweet boyfriend bobby (who i'm sure you'll hear much more about as time goes on) i was greeted with pretty flowers from bobby and balloons from my aunt. we drank iced teas and ate sliced bread and my family grilled bobby with questions. my grandma and aunt wrote me sweet messages in cards and my mom and dad in addition to buying my plane ticket, bought me a necklace with a "k" pendant. bobby got me a cute card, tickets to see on of my favorite bands play in san francisco, movie passes, and a stuffed animal bunny (who may or may not be the cutest thing i've ever seen. and he may or may not be sitting next to me on the bed right now.)

i'm not entirely sure what this weekend will bring. but i know i'm spending it with char and that means it's going to be wonderful. i'm just excited to hear about her life, share a few days acting like 16 year olds, and cheers to one more year that we have accomplished together. 

it's crazy to think i am almost 25. twenty five. a quarter of a century. it's so strange to think because in my heart i still feel like i'm fifteen. i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up. fart jokes still make me laugh and i can't help but get super pumped up when i hear the cha-cha slide. i guess maybe some of those things will never change. and i'm okay with that. 

i originally wanted to write this post to make a list of 25 things i hope to achieve by next year. or at least to work towards. but as i continue to write this i don't think i want to do that. because i'm incredibly happy with where i am. and with the people in my life. and the direction my life is going. i don't want to start another year of life with a list that i am already falling behind on.

i just want being twenty five to be filled with love. i want to spend more time at home and take my grandma to lunch. i want to plan adventures with charla and talk for hours on the phone about the dumb things we did as kids. i want to cherish special friendships and not take anyone for granted. i want to enjoy being loved by someone incredible and let compliments wash over me instead of pushing them to the side. i want to eat more and worry less about my body and more about the people i'm sharing meals with. i want to take time for myself and binge watch netflix. i want to go on drives and roll the windows down and sing way too loud for anyone comfort level. i want to embrace what being a woman to me is and not let the media or society tell me i should be. i want to worry less about insignificant things and really dwell on the simplicity of life.

i want to give to those who love me.
i want to love without borders to the people who deserve it. 
i want to be light and happiness.
i want to laugh and cry and pee my pants with happiness. 


as of now, charla has walked in the door with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and balloons. i'm signing off from here and the next time i write to you i'll be 25. 

to all my friends, family, and loves. thank you for getting me to twenty five. i wouldn't be here without you. and i wouldn't want to be without you.

infinite x's and o's

Saturday, July 12, 2014

| saturdays |

it's not that i miss you. because i honestly don't think i do.
i've started the process of moving on and recovering.
of not hurting over you anymore.
especially over the fact that you never even tried to say sorry.
not a call. or email. or text. or facebook message.
not a single one.
but i'm in the works of not having your name feel like a punch in the stomach.

i just miss the way it feels to be around someone special
to have someones knee to rest my hand on while driving
and to have a hand rub my feet that are sprawled across their lap
i miss knowing what it feels like to have the certainty of a goodnight kiss (or two)
and inside jokes only we could laugh at

even though those things are great, they aren't worth all the hurt that comes with them.
but tonight, this lonely warm saturday night, i miss having those things.
and maybe just a little...i miss you.
how tonight we would probably be laying out on a blanket in the yard, tangled in a mess underneath the stars.
but instead i'm sitting in front of the glow of this computer screen and wondering what these past few weeks have been like for you.

it's been hard. but every day is a little victory of recovery. and someday soon i'm sure i'll have better things to do on my saturday night than to think about you. i gave you plenty of my saturdays. so from now on i'm going to work on keeping them for me.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

| postcard |

there is a postcard sitting in the corner of my vanity. when i get ready in the morning i feel my eyes drawn to it. for the past few weeks i have been trying to avoid letting my eyes drift to it. 

because i still remember being in the little oregon grocery market when i found it. the whole place looked like a wooden house and i couldn't get over how cute it was. you were buying a beer and i was getting a vanilla coke to go with our picnic. you remembered how i love postcards and pointed me over to the wood wall filled with little plastic ledges holding brightly colored ones. i scanned them for a while with my hands on my hips until you came over to help me pick one out. that's when we both saw it down on the bottom. it looked like it was taken exactly from the same spot we had been sitting earlier. the spot on the dune where you found me sitting alone. tucked away from all the other beach dwellers. you sat beside me and wrapped your arm behind my back and whispered everything was going to be okay. that i'm going to be okay. 

i smiled because i knew that it was the one. it was perfect. i placed it on the counter next to your pale ale and slipped it safely into my purse when we walked back to the car. you thought it would be a good idea to go back to that spot, our spot, and have our picnic there. i couldn't have been happier to agree.

the sea grass on the beach reminded me of a nicholas sparks movie and i pretended that just for the afternoon we were in one of them. i remember i kept smiling at you while you made my sandwich and how warm the sand felt between my toes; even though the air was cold enough to wear a jacket. i decided the sand was warm because it was our special spot and it didn't want us to leave. it was welcoming us. keeping my feet warm. keeping us warm. 

i wanted to stay in the spot forever but the evening was coming up quick and we had to cross another state line before the night came to a rest. i can still feel the pain in my heart remembering the way it felt to take one last look at our secret spot. you promised me we would come back someday and stay at the cottages that bordered the beach. you promised more picnics and vanilla cokes. and even though i smiled i knew it wasn't true. 
i wish i could fill out the postcard and send it to myself four months ago. warning me to protect my heart. cautioning that it will hurt like the two times before but this time... it will damn well crush me. but obviously i can't do that. 

so for now the empty postcard sits in the corner of my vanity mirror. being a reminder of the amazing days i spent with you on the coast. and also a reminder of the painful days that followed us coming home. 

but one day i will go back to our special spot and sit alone on the pale shore. i will drink a vanilla coke and sink my toes back into the warm sand. and i'll write a postcard to you. i'll tell you that i made it back, just like you promised. and that sadly, that is the only promise you ever kept to me. i'll tell you that even though the gray coast will always remind me of you and those amazing days we shared together, it doesn't hurt anymore. and that even though the words you whispered to me however many months or years before weren't true back then...they are true now. 
because everything turned okay. 
i am okay. 
and you don't hurt me anymore. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

| gasp |

she asked if he had ever laughed so hard he felt like he couldn't breathe. if he’d ever experienced that gasping panic before finally having breath in his lungs again. 
puzzled, he answered, yes, and asked her why.
she cast her eyes down and whispered to him that was the way he made her feel. 
he smiled and kissed her cheek. 
if only he knew he was the lack of air in her lungs. not the refilling of them.