Saturday, November 7, 2015

| dear every guy who has ever...|

Dear Every Guy Who Ever Treated Me Poorly,
Now I know this much be weird, me writing a letter to you. You is such a broad term anyways. Mostly because this letter can be addressed to so many people. I wanted to write an individual note to everyone who has ever hurt me but what is that saying? Aint nobody got time for that? So I decided to write an open letter; those are big on the internet nowadays, right?
Above all, the purpose of this letter, is to say thank you.
Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be treated like garbage. Thank you for making me feel like less and that I’m only worth a damn if I put out. Thank you for telling me I have a pretty face but not the body to match. Thank you for making excuses and never fully committing to me. Thank you for making being left in the dark feel like a comfortable normal. Thank you for asking me to leave when you realize you weren’t going to get anything else from me. Thank you for not taking me out in public because you were embarrassed by me. Thank you for the emotional and physical bruises that never quit hurting. Thank you for calling me cute nicknames like ham sandwich or tits. Thank you for always telling me that someday a guy will finally love me but that you’re not ready to settle for someone like me. Thank you for constantly telling me how hot my friends are or trying to take another girl home right in front of me (on Valentine’s Day). Thank you for breaking up with me because I’m fat and ugly.  Thank you for all the hurtful, manipulative, and controlling things you’ve said and done to me.

Thank you for telling me I’m not worth loving.
Thank you for all these things, and thousands more, because they taught me the art of being broken. I wish I could say that I knew all the things you said were wrong right away. But it took days, months, and years to reconcile what happened. Every. Single. Time. My head and my heart (as well as my friends  and I) fought constantly. Lies are more seductive and taste sweeter when they are on the lips of someone you love. I went to battle to defend these awful words and actions because they were the only possessions I had left to hold onto when you finally decided to leave.
But time and time again I felt dirty.
I felt undeserving.
Broken fit like a glove.
I wore defeated like a badge of honor.
I felt swallowed alive. I came to terms with the loneliness and accepted the fact that happily ever after only happens for the beautiful and worthy. Because these were two things you told me that I definitely was not.
But one day I woke up. I looked in the mirror at the girl standing in front of me and I saw chaos. I saw wild hair, weary eyes, and a messy soul. And I’ll be damned; it was beautiful.
Now you’re probably wondering how any of this has to do with you (of course you are; you’re selfish). I’m getting there. Be patient.
At the risk of going all Taylor Swift on you, I came to a place where I could say, “I think I am finally clean.” I don’t know how it happened or what finally changed. But as soon as I saw my imperfections and weaknesses as puzzle pieces, jagged edges sprinkled with some perfectly rounded ends, I realized that being messy is something I’m proud of. Because it makes me human. Which means I’m capable of loving and of being loved.
So thank you. Thank you for showing me my true colors. Thank you for giving me strength and making way for me to build myself back up. Thank you for allowing me to find beauty in brokenness.
And now I have someone who truly sees me. Humpty dumpty-put-back-together and all. And he finds me beautiful and worthy of being love. Every day he chooses me. Every day he breaks the mold that was created before him. But if it wasn’t for you, all of you, I don’t know if I would be able to appreciate him the way I do. He fills in all the cracks where the glued back pieces never quite fit back together. He makes me thankful it never worked out before. He makes me believe in myself and constantly tears down the walls I sometimes put up in defense. He makes me not afraid to leave my heart vulnerable.
Thank you for helping me figure out who I am.
You will never hear me say that what you did and what you said didn’t hurt like hell. My heart is covered in scars and calluses that will never fade. But I see them as stories that lead to the good part. They are paths and roads that all lead me to the same place.
They led me to happiness.
They led me to beauty.
They led me to freedom.
And they led me to unbelievable love.
So thank you for all the things you did.
You helped me find my voice.
You helped me find my place.
I hope you know that I don’t hate you, I never could. 
And that I hope that one day, someday, you too can embrace the freedom of being messy. 
Because it's damn beautiful. 

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