| friends |

i think its time i admit it to myself...
i don't have very many friends. 
and by friends i mean real, real friends. people you can call in time of crisis or mid emotional breakdown. but at the same time people you can hang out with and grab dinner with or see a movie with. i do have a few really spectacular people who i call my favorite friends that have been a huge support to me. but other than that. i don't have many people. most of the people i'm the closest to don't live within a few hours of me or even in the same time zone. i went to the movies this afternoon alone. and i usually love going to the movies by myself. i went and saw a funny movie and saw a bunch of previews for new movies i am excited to see this summer. but when i was walking out of the theater i realized everyone was talking to whoever they were with about the movie. about their favorite parts and were laughing together. and i was walking alone with no one to talk to. i use to have a really good friend i would go see movies with a few friday nights a month and i realized that i miss going to movies with her really bad. i miss laughing at previews and talking about the movie over frozen yogurt afterwards. 

i miss having a friend to do things with .

i went through my phone contacts this evening and went down the alphabet; trying to call someone to hang out with this friday evening. and not one person was free. well, only two people answered. one didn't seem very interested in talking to me. the other was already busy. but every other one either denied my call or didn't answer. and the sad thing is, there weren't that many people to call. i have almost 100 contacts in my phone and i could call less than 20 of them to actually hang out. maybe it's because i haven't been a very good friend. or maybe it's because people don't really like me. 

and please don't get me wrong. i am so unbelievably grateful for the few best friends i have. i truly am. but i'm also tired of being alone. and having to do things alone. i just want someone to do things with. 

in the past i've had a lot of really close friends. but for some reason these people removed me from their lives. and i've had a hard time getting over it.

one was my friend linsday from high school. we were inseparable for years. we would go up to her dads farm and ride horses and play in the hay and ride into the little town store on horses and buy sodas and candy. we would pretend we were celebrities, swim until our entire bodies were pruney, and go on photoshoots around town. she was one of the few people who truly saw my dreams and believed in them. but we fought a lot. and one time it was finally it for her. i don't remember exactly what our fight was about but i know she decided from then on out she didn't want to be my friend anymore. and even though this was over six years ago now i still miss her a lot. i've tried reaching out to her but i think she's moved on and doesn't have an interest in being a part of my life anymore. and that hurts really bad. 

i also miss my friend kelsey. our friendship is a constant rollercoaster but it doesn't mean i don't miss her. it's her birthday today and instead of celebrating her and making her feel like a princess i left a happy birthday message to a recording after my call my denied. i sometimes feel like i can't ever be a good enough friend to her. i've poured myself into our friendship and we'll do great but then she'll stop talking to me. she'll completely remove herself from my life for months and leave me guessing what happened. and every time it hurts. even if i see it coming.

and lastly, i miss my friend tara. she was one of my best friends for a few years and one of the sweetest, kindest, most giving people i've ever met. and for some reason after my birthday last year she completely dropped off the face of the earth. i've left her voicemails, sent her texts, and messaged her on facebook with no response. i've tried to apologize for whatever i did to hurt her but i never got an answer. and that sucks. really bad. because i miss her. it doesn't seem like there's anything i can do to make amends or have her be my friend again and that's a really sad reality.

i don't understand why people leave. i don't know why people decide it's time to no longer have you in their lives. or why no matter how many times you say sorry or try to make it better it never changes. i've cut people out of my life before. generally people who are toxic. and maybe i'm just realizing that to these people i was toxic and that by removing me it bettered their lives. and i guess i can learn to live with that. because all i want is for the people i love to be happy.