| bull & china |

ive been thinking about the expression "bull in china shop" a lot lately. how it means to go about delicate situations in an aggressive and careless manor. how, when i think of it, i imagine colossal damage. broken plates. shattered cups. precious figurines stomped into little jagged pieces. and i've started to realize that this expression hits home with me pretty hard.

because sometimes im the bull.
i go about life careless and negligent. i use to nod it off to passion but as i have gotten older i realize it's because i am irresponsible. with my heart. my friendships. my life decisions. pretty much every area of my life. there have been countless times i've been sitting on the phone with my best friend and i would say, "i know this is stupid. i know this is going to end up hurting me. but i don't care." i hate the fact that i've always been so self aware that i know why i'm making a bad decision yet i still chose to make them. it's a habit about myself i can't seem to break. i don't understand why i bulldoze my way through my life. why i chose to be so careless with my heart. it's like i'm the sample people that work in the kiosk's in the mall, pushing my heart on anyone that seems to walk by. "please, just try a sample. no? okay sir, how about you?" i let it land in the hands of anyone who stops by just for a moment. and don't get me wrong, i'm not typing this with a broken, angry heart. i'm actually doing okay right now, considering. but i've really started to wonder why i wasn't more careful before. i'm rolling up quick to 25 and i realize that maybe this is the time of my life where i need to stop being such a plate breaking, irresponsible bull, and start protecting my china a little more. (sorry for all of the metaphors) i don't think there is anything wrong with being passionate. or being a trailblazer of sorts. or even "grabbing life by the horns" (another bull reference i suppose). but where do you draw the line? when is making decisions for the betterment of your mental health and happiness okay even if it hurts someone else in the meantime? people have always told me that i need to be a little bit more selfish and stop worrying so much about other people; but how far is too far? what if by cutting out a friendship that is toxic for me hurts the person who is being cut out? where is the rule book on "taking some time for myself?" 

i could go on and on and ask a million questions but never have the answer. but i guess the second half to this post is that even though sometimes i am the bull in that metaphor i am also the china a lot of the time.

i'm the person that gets broken. trampled on. tossed aside. then left in a huge hurry. i think a lot of that has to do with what i mentioned above with being careless with my heart. that i allow people to come in and wreck shop in my heart and life and then leave. maybe it's because i don't ask enough of them. or maybe it's because i ask too much. either way, it hurts. a lot. it hurts to try your hardest to be supportive, loving, and encouraging and then get nothing in return. just taken from until you have nothing left to give. one of my favorite songs is  porcelain by the band cauterize. the lyrics of the chorus go, "don't let me fall i'll break. what a mess i'd make. pathetic pieces on your floor, will cut your feet forever more. you're porcelain, such fragile skin. just let me hold you. i'll be gentle. i wont drop you. this time i'll be careful." and for some reason those lyrics just break my heart. i think about someone seeing me as that broken china. pieces of me scattered across the floor. and for some reason they think i'm beautiful and pick me up. and they promise that this time, they'll be careful with me. 

i don't really know how to end this post. i guess i just kind of word vomited all over my computer screen. i generally like to come to some conclusion or something of the sort but tonight i'm all out. so i guess i'll just leave this as it is.

goodnight
xo