i felt fine about the conversation. that i stuck to my guns and didn't let him get to me. he even told me i sound a lot more confident and sure of myself. but my sleep last night was awful. i kept waking up in a sweat. panicked. and all day today i've felt off. my heart keeps sinking in my chest. i've had what me and char called the "bad butterflies". the ones that make you sick to your stomach. and i don't know why. i don't know why this nobody who i haven't seen in person in almost two years is messing with my emotions. it's not like i want to be with him at all. AT. ALL. i guess what is upsetting is the fact that even after he hurt me so badly that he can say a couple nice things and instantly get into my mind. i'm mad. because why am i so weak?
i had a breakdown last week on the phone with char. because i'm tired of being alone. of always having to take care of myself. and i've gotten to a place where i am fairly sure i will never get married. not because i'm throwing a pity party but because i don't think there is anyone out there that will fit with me. it's always been just me.
i've gotten comfortable being alone. the loneliness and sadness and emptiness are almost comforting now. and even though it hurts i just can't imagine it being any different. because it's all i've ever known. i told charla that all i want is for a guy to not be afraid to want to be in public with me. to hold my hand in front of other people. to tell people we are dating. i would be happy with that. because that's something i've never had before. the guys i've seen would never take me out and would make up excuses why their family and friends think we are just friends. and above all they would never commit to me. i was willing to through my heart into their hands that weren't even reaching out.
but i was thinking about this all when i went on a drive tonight. and i realized that it's sad.
it's sad that my main requirements that i want in a guy now are that they will acknowledge me in public and not lie about how they know me.
what happened to the girl with the list?
what happened to the girl who knew the kind of man she wanted and wouldn't consider settling for anything less than that man?
i haven't been looking for men of character. i've looking for men of convenience.
trust me, it's not because i don't want to be with a good man. a godly man. a loving man.
but it's because those aren't the kinds of guys that i attract and that are attracted to me.
i can blame it on my looks.
which i have my entire life.
because why would a good, amazing, strong, handsome man of God want to be with tubby, awkward, messy me?
i don't know the answer.
and maybe that won't ever happen for me.
but a small part of me doesn't believe that's the truth. this heart, this fierce and passionate heart, beats full of love and lives on dreams. dreams i believe God gave me. dreams of one day finding a man who will love me for all of my messiness. love me for my dreams. love me for my passions and fierceness. love me for who i am.
on my drive tonight i had no idea where i was going. all i knew was i needed to get out of the house. the sun was setting so i started taking random roads to try to find an open few of the canvas of pinks and purples the sky had painted. i ended up taking a road to a side of town i've never been. soon i was driving down a road, no one else in sight, with this magnificent sky in front of me and i couldn't help but smile. i had hoped on my drive that i would break down. to release some of the pressure on my heart. to cry out to God. to allow myself to be broken. but that didn't happen. instead of letting the air out of my sad balloon slowly, it popped all at once. and i couldn't do anything but smile. and laugh to myself at how gorgeous the sunset was. and know that my Jesus made it for me. this random road ended up leading me to the airport (seriously, sacramento people, i have no idea how it happened!) and there was something about it that made me feel alive. the only times i've really been to the airport back home are when i'm going somewhere on an adventure or coming home from a grand one. i love the airport. and this random-cow-filled-desolate-road brought me to this place i love. and just like those amazing moments that only happen in the movies a line in one of my favorite songs played to me on the radio and it was perfect. seriously perfect. like the singer was talking to me. and even though i had listened to the song on repeat the whole time i was driving it was like i was hearing the words for the first time. i stopped in the middle of this abandoned road and watched the airplanes take off into the sunset. i closed my eyes and sang with all my might.
sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything
we're glad for what we've got
done with what we've lost
our whole lives laid out right in front of us
and i felt so alive. so free. so hopeful for what's to come. done with what i've lost. it's gone. it's done. it's no more. and despite that loss and pain there is a whole life in front of me. just waiting to be explored. waiting to be soaked up. drank in.
i don't know what's ahead in my life. i might never get married. i might never move out of sacramento for good. but i have to believe that this is a growing period and these are just growing pains. i wish i could say for certain that i'll never fall for another bad guy or that i won't settle for less than i deserve. but nights like tonight remind me that the God of our universe, the creator of all things, loves me enough to put a big sunset sized band aid on the places in my heart that were hurting. and that if He can love me that much i should never settle for anything less than He would want for me.
(these honestly don't do it any justice but it's the best i could do!)