Monday, August 5, 2013

i spent last weekend going through my room and completely cleaning everything. i organized my book shelves. i cleaned out both my closets (i feel like eminem whenever i say that. i'm sorry mama...i never meant to hurt you.) i got rid of two huge bags of clothes that i never wear. i hung up dresses. i changed my sheets and washed all of my duvet covers. i wanted a fresh new start. there's something cleansing about cleaning your room. my room always directly effects my life.

if my room is a messy disaster. my life is the same. but i have been making an effort to keep my room clean for months. and with that i feel like i've been keeping my life in check as well.

when i was cleaning out my closet i realized it was  full of totes of storage. i decided to shuffle through some of the boxes and see what i had hiding in there. and much to my excitement i found some of my favorite little trinkets i packed away when i moved to florida.

i found the statue of a temple in machu picchu that a classmate of mine from marine biology gave to me. he was in his mid 40's and had traveled and seen the world. on one of our class field trip he shared with me all of the wonders of south america that he had discovered. i shared with him my desire for travel to foreign lands. and on the last day of class he gave me the statue and told me to go, not think about it, just go and that he believed in my dreams. i also found my favorite candle i got from a flea market in new mexico. all these little things that mean the world to me.

at the bottom of the tote i found a mixture of cards and notes from people that i have saved. birthday cards from old friends i haven't seen in years. goodbye cards from my move to washington. and a letter from my best friend on my twenty first birthday.

there was a line she wrote that has really stuck with me the last week. she was writing to me about how she see's me, truly see's me, and loves the person i am.
she wrote:

"you want to make people laugh. but more than that-you want to make a difference."

throughout the years i've read that letter from char but for some reason it was like i was reading it for the first time. i started bawling. and even now i'm not quite sure why.

i think it's because she's right. i love to make people laugh. sometimes i think it's all i was meant to do. especially when i spend time with people who strangely find me funny. like char. when we spend time together all we do is laugh til our bellies hurt and our eyes water. sometimes i wheeze. sometimes she snorts. it feels like you're truly living when you can't breathe from laughter.

but there's more to me. the more serious side. the side of me that i rarely show to anyone. that yearns to change people's lives. to change the world. and sometimes i forget about her. or suppress her. because it's hard to be soft and sensitive and full of love in this world.

but char's card, she acknowledged both sides to me. she was saying it's okay to be both. and she saw the side that wants to create laughter, but more, the side that wants to make a difference. it was like i was figuring this out about myself for the very first time. and realizing that other people who truly see me know that part of me too. or even simply that people in my life know me so well that they can teach me things about my own heart. that i don't need to change or suppress or bury the side of me that's not easy. that i can be the happy and silly girl that makes people laugh but i can also be the girl that cries when she realizes the world is a place that needs love and desperately needs Jesus. and that not one or the other is better. that i don't always have to try to make people laugh and be happy. that it's okay to be raw and open and cry. a lot. i am realizing more and more into my twenties that i am really tender and that it's okay to be that way. (another blog about all that jazz coming soon.)

i'm so thankful i have people in my life who love me unconditionally and that their words can still bring me to tears after years. and that above all, they allow and encourage me to be true and genuine. 

the past few weeks i have been undergoing a huge change in my heart. but things such as these make the hurt and the change a little more bearable. 

i hope you are all well.

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