day 13, an apology

dear nick,

i am writing you this apology letter because growing up being my brother definitely had it's hard times. i realize this letter might be a little too late but i want you to know how i feel. 

i am sorry for being born on my exact due date and being the perfect child. i didn't cry ever and i knew that probably made you feel insecure being a baby who was sick and quite honestly, a little whiney. im sorry my chicken pocks only lasted a few days while yours lasted a few weeks. i'm sorry mom thought i was adorable because i mean, come on, have you seen my baby pictures? i am sorry for that time i pooped in the bathtub when we were kids. as a baby i didn't realized what i was doing but looking back i still probably would have done it with the knowledge i know now. i am sorry for stealing your gi joes against their will and making them marry my barbies. besides, she always cheated on them with ken anyways. i am sorry for telling on you every time you broke something (which was a lot) and for blaming you for things you didn't do. i am sorry i would start crying before you even got near me and for pretending you hurt me to get sympathy. it's not my fault i milked being the baby so perfectly. i am sorry for telling everyone about the time you pooped your pants while we were camping and had to wear my silky underwear. and i am sorry about mentioning it here again. i am sorry for exaggerating the truth all the time when i told on you. i am sorry i was always in love with your friends and would attempt to make them breakfast in bed. i am sorry i still find some of your friends attractive. i am sorry for telling every single person i meet (to this day) that you use to carry around a picture of brad pitt in your wallet and that you know every single word to bring it on. i am sorry for sneaking into your room and breaking all of your insane clown posse cd's into a million little pieces. actually, no, no i'm not. i am not sorry for that. 

but in all seriousness. i am sorry for being mad at you for things that were out of your control. i am sorry for all the times i would take out my anger on you and for being a snotty preteen, teenager, and young adult (i think i'm still growing out of it). i am sorry for ever doubting you and not encouraging you in your music. because seriously, you are crazy talented. i am sorry for moving away so many times and never staying in contact while i was gone. i am sorry for always being gone on your birthday. i am sorry for living in the same house as you and feeling like strangers sometimes. i am sorry i never made more of an effort. i am sorry i didn't try to understand you and the way you show affection sooner. i am sorry for all the nights we went to bed mad at each other and for being too prideful to say sorry. i am sorry for not being there for you after the whole alicia thing. i know it was just as hard on you as it was on me and i am sorry for not being more open to you and being selfish. i am sorry for all the names i have called you.  and for all the years we weren't close. i am sorry for ever making you feel inadequate. and i am sorry, so sorry, for not telling you i love you more. 

because i do love you. and i am sorry if you ever felt like that wasn't true. thank you for being my brother. for watching bring it on with me. for being the only person who can make me laugh so hard i'm crying in two seconds flat. and for being my hero growing up. there's no one else in the world i would rather have than you and i'm sorry, but that's just the dang truth. 

and lastly, i'm sorry this is all a little late.
but i just thought you should know.

xoxo,

kage :)