Tuesday, October 2, 2012

to love and to be loved.

last night i felt like i finally hit my breaking point. and to be honest it was a little out of the blue. i was sitting on my moms bed watching her take a test for work when my eyes filled up with tears. when she asked me whats wrong i couldn't do anything but shake my head as tears poured down my face.

"i just want to be loved. i just want to be taken care of for once."

i am one of those people who will love someone unconditionally. i love people to a fault i have been told. and when someone comes in my life and becomes a huge part of who i am i have the hardest time letting go when its time. i will never walk away from someone no matter how horribly they treat me.  not too long ago i overheard someone say about me,

"kate is one of those people that no matter how terribly you treat her, she'll still do anything for you. she's someone you can call whenever you need her regardless of what you've done, that's why you keep her around." 

when i first overheard this person say this about me i was sort of happy. because ive always wanted to present myself to people so they know im always here. no matter what. when someone is in my life, through the good and the bad, i want them to know they are never alone. so to hear that said about me was kind of reaffirming what i have been trying to show to the people in my life all along. but then...it hurt. it made my heart sore. because the people ive extended myself to hundreds of times realized that they don't have to work to keep me in their lives. they can treat me like garbage, and they have, and regardless i will still love them and be there for them.

i know it would be easy to say to me, "why don't you just cut those people out of your life when they are so clearly toxic?" and while i would agree with you; i just cant. i don't know why. i cant walk away from someone once they become a part of my life. i know what it feels like to be alone and have no one so i would never want to do that to someone else. 

i cried to my mom telling her all these things and many more for the 100th time. repeating the same examples of the way people have treated me; just this time a different person doing a slightly different thing. after i was finished my mom looked at me with her watery blue eyes and smiled. she said, 

"honey, you have a heart like no one else. you love people so much and while that's a good thing...you need to learn to guard yourself." 

and i know she's right. i just have the hardest time guarding myself with people. im all or nothing. so once i trust you im all yours. and i will do anything for you. i love recklessly and wildly. i just love people so much. i love people i don't know. and i feel for people i see. i can cry from seeing an older person struggling to walk. or a homeless person with an empty stomach digging for food. my heart aches when i see a person having a bad day or when i see an ambulance with its lights on. i cry when i think about how many people have never experienced love or compassion and my heart swells and hurts for these people. all people. and i know the way i feel isn't necessarily normal. so its hard for me to relate or understand when someone doesn't understand or reciprocate the love i have.

im not saying that the people in my life don't love me. or take care of me. or show me they care. but its just different. i always feel like im the one doing all the work. that if i stopped trying in all my friendships that they would cease to exist. if i didn't drive to their house. if i didn't text or call them. if i didn't make plans. i feel like i would have very few friendships. if i didn't try at all i think i would have zero friends. and that to me is devastating. because i would do anything for the people in my life. i wake up early in the morning to go buy a house of people bagels and donuts for breakfast. not because i expect anything in return, but simply because i don't want them to wake up with a hungry stomach. and i don't want people to do things for me because they feel they need to. honestly, i don't want them to do anything for me. i guess i just want people to love me and work at our friendships as much as i do simply because they love me. i just want to know im loved i guess. 

then, i start to think that there is something wrong with me. that people don't like me. and my doubt and the echoing words start fluttering in my head. maybe people truly only keep me in their lives for what i can do for them and not for who i am. i know, well i pray, that isn't true but my doubt can get a hold of me sometimes. 

all i truly want is to be loved. truly, deeply loved. not romantically but by the people i share my friendships with. and for it to be known. its hard when im so expressive with people i care for when sometimes people don't show it at all. i guess i just need a little affirmation sometimes. 

after my hour cry fest with my mom i went and hung out with some of my friends. and though they had no idea about what had happened previously i do know that they 100% know i love them and that im there for them. and at the end of the day, regardless of everything else, regardless of my tears and doubts, i think that's all that really matters. 

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