trains

i have tried at least five times to write a post about being home and for some reason none of them have been good. or i haven't been able to finish them. i start to lose myself in the sentences and my words fall flat. 

because i don't really know how to describe my time being home. its been a constant roller coaster. one moment im higher than the clouds and the next im barreling through a tunnel with no light in sight. 

i guess i feel lost. and not because i don't know where to go but i don't know who i am meant to be. im torn between the life i had before i left for the florida, the life i had there, and now the life on the other side of it all. and i have found pieces and lost bits of myself all along the way. im just trying to figure out how to glue myself together to feel whole again.

i left a huge chunk of myself there. i wake up every single morning and think about the roads my bike tires would cover on the way to work. the smell of the humidity in the air. the blinding glow of the white sand i laid on countless afternoon and late nights. the smiles of the strangers who quickly became some of my very best friends. and the girl i was when i was there. so carefree. so full of life. 

im not her anymore. and i never will be. she got packed up and shipped away when i bought my plane ticket home. and from the remains of her i have taken shape into a new shell. and im trying to figure out who this person is that is filling its spaces.

when i was trying to describe how i felt to one of my friends the only way i could word it was to say that i feel like i keep missing the train. while i was away- life continued on here and i missed out on it. and now that im gone from florida- life is carrying on there and im missing the best of everything. i cant seem to get my timing right. 

but at the same time i know im suppose to be right here. right now. sitting on my bed in my parents house. in the house ive lived in since i was five years old. and im not suppose to be moving. and that is terrifying. im stuck at the train station and im waiting for my train number to be called. which train though?

i dont know.

i guess thats all part of growing and changing and molding. a new place has the opportunity to make you new and better. while an old place has the chance to solidify the best qualities in you that you've always had.

the most important part is not losing yourself in the moments when you arent meant to do anything but simply be.

so that's what im doing right now. im being. im resting. and im waiting for the next train. 

just waiting to be called.