Monday, July 2, 2012

a year challenge

june 17, 2012 - june 17, 2013

one year.
12 months.
365 days.
52 weeks.

in the sermon a few weeks ago, pastor stanley presented a challenge to the single adults. he challenged them to take a year off from dating and be completely single. to spend a year with God and let Him grow them into the person He wants them to be. to let God use them for everything wonderful He has planned for their lives.

and to be honest i kind of blew it off. i have heard of other people doing that before and even though they weren't in a relationship they were still "dating" or at least flirting with the line a lot. and for me it just seemed kind of pointless. i haven't dated in twenty two years so why should i take a challenge that would limit the possibility if something ever arose. why can't i honor God why still keeping my options open? another week passed by and the challenge was kind of lingering in the back of my head. i felt my heart grow weary and i began to question my decision to so quickly cast it all aside. the next sunday i was in church and was there for part two of the series. he talked again on dating and  he said something that kind of knocked the wind out of me. he asked:

"are you who you are looking for is looking for?"
am i the kind of woman that the man of my dreams would want? am i his dream woman? am i who he prays for every single night?

and as soon as he asked the question i knew my answer.


no i am not that woman. nowhere near her. she's as close to me as my dream husband is. and that's when i realized that even though i haven't been dating, my focus isn't fully on God. i invest almost just as much time in dreaming about my future husband as i would if i was in a relationship. and that's not healthy. the year challenge wouldn't be hard for me in the fact that i would be turning down dates left and right but in the terms of changing my heart. in letting go of expectations and dreams. in knocking myself off my high horse. i want a strong, passionate, loving, romantic man of God but if i had him right now there is NO way i would be able to love him right and give him my heart. im not ready.

last week's sermon was part three of the love, sex, and dating series and on that sunday he talked about sex. which instantly made me uncomfortable. even though i am a virgin and saving myself for marriage i don't feel like ive fully saved all of who i am for my future husband.  i haven't protected my heart. he talked about how our pasts creep into our present and destroy our future. and i started thinking about how many kisses i gave away that were placed on unworthy lips. how many times i let my heart be deceived and manipulated for another persons gain. and it made me sick to my stomach. i don't want to have to explain mistakes that i made to my future husband because i was too impatient to wait for him. i don't want to have to tell him that he wasn't good enough for me to save every single ounce of my heart and body for.

and then he said, "your past is already written. its the here and now. from this day on where you determine what story you are going to tell."

and i don't want my story to be filled with any more regret. i don't want it to be a story i am ashamed to tell. i want to look my husband in the eyes and tell him, "YES  i waited for you. i saved all of this for you. the promise ring i wore on my finger, until the day it was replaced with this wedding ring, wasn't only a promise to God and my parents. it was a promise to myself and to you. to save all of me for you. you were worth the promise before i ever knew you."

so i made a decision on that sunday to take the challenge. to chose the story i am going to tell. to make it a story of victory not defeat. to chose a life of living for the hope of the future not dying in the past of all my mistakes. after the sermon the worship team sang one of my absolute favorite songs, how He loves. the line "i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way He loves" definitely drove into my heart exactly what i want this next year to look like. i don't have the time to maintain any regrets. they are done. they are gone. they are forgiven. they are not my worries anymore. all i need to focus on is how much He loves me. and becoming a woman i can love and one day a woman who can be loved fully by another.

so here i am. two weeks in on this new journey. i have a year to change my focus off what i think i want and on to what i truly need. i know it is going to be a hard road but i know its what best for me. it's a chapter that i am willing to take the time to write. i want it in my story.

because i want to be the kind of woman that the kind of man i am looking for is looking for.
i want to be the woman of his dreams. 
and when he finally finds me
i want to be ready.
i want to be able to tell him my story.
and one day make it our story.
and i want it to be beautiful.


  1. oh dear, i just love this. i've never thought of relationships like that--are you who the other person is looking for? it's so beautiful. i'm married and this still applies to me. we have to make sure we're not expecting something from our significant others that we aren't putting forth ourselves. this is the most poignant post i've read today. thanks, love! xo

  2. and once you find him, he should read this <3
    this is absolutely beautiful and selfless. he will be the luckiest man and come in His perfect timing.