well hello there old friend. it feels like its been ages since i have talked to you. sitting here right now with my laptop sprawled across my lap and my fingers dancing from key to key feels...right. now i know i could come up with a million and one excuses as to why i havent written much, if any, at all in these recent months but,"excuses are like butts" as my dads always said,"every ones got one but they all stink". so i plan on giving you a little bit of truth as to why i haven't written.
this blog world made me feel like I'm in high school again.
i started writing on here two years ago with zero followers. to be honest, i didn't even know what followers were. i just googled "free blogs" and this is the first one that came up. so i started a page with a pre-made template and started writing away. i would post song lyrics, inspirations i had, and the troubles my heart was facing. but somewhere along the way i started noticing the huge blog community that was waiting just clicks away. soon i started changing my profile weekly, looking up tutorials on making layouts, and spending hours on the phone and sending countless emails with my best friend about blog names, ideas and all the in between. soon it became more about what my page looked like rather then what it was designed for. i started reading others blogs and started feeling insecure about myself. i wanted to write like her, take pictures like her, be her, and the wanting game started. wanting to be anyone but me. soon i started craving followers, to want people to want to follow me. to be "popular". i would comment on people's posts that i enjoyed and hoped they would enjoy my post just the same and comment back. soon i started writing for what my followers wanted to read and not what was in my heart. and after some time i felt no desire to come back here. i wanted to delete my blog and just move away from another insecure environment that had me once again feeling horribly about myself.
but then, something inside me clicked. something deep, deep inside the very heart of my being quietly screamed no. no i will not stop writing because my page isn't cute enough. no i will not make my profile private because I'm afraid someone wont like my writing. no i will no longer run and bury the very insecurities that plague my heart. i will no longer be a victim to my insecurities.
and friends i have to tell you...its been such a freeing experience. i recently sent my best friend an email filled with all the insecurities, secrets, lies, and faults i have been struggling with for years. things i had never even told a soul and never planned on telling anyone. i had been harboring so much insecurity i started to hate myself and slowly i was destroying myself from the inside out.
and so this comes to the next part of my journey. from here on out i will be writing for me. not for my few followers, not for my friends on facebook, not for comments, but for me. because this is something i need to do for myself. in addition, i plan on writing out these troubles i have been victim to for years and years and charting my journey along the way. working through each of them, sharing what God has revealed to me, and no longer being crippled by my low self esteem.
im back my friends, and its all me :)