just right

my days are spent around beat up cars and stinky men. i talk their talk and walk their walk and practically fit in. i am called "man" and "dude" and hear language spill out of their mouths like i am around a bunch of old sailors. to them i am one of the guys. but i am not one of the guys.

because... i am a girl

i like dresses and headbands and cry in almost every movie i see. i like reading and writing and watching videos of dancing. i still put on old prom dresses when i am feeling pretty and dance around my room in my moms too small for my feet heels. i wear my great grandmothers pearls in bubble baths and put on red lipstick to make me feel beautiful. i dye my hair when i feel plain and can't stand naked toes. i dream about being kissed and falling in love for the first time. i memorize the way it felt the last time i had my hand held and catch my breath when i make eye contact with a handsome man. i am shy, silly, and bashful when i am around a boy i like. i love lace, antique shops and the smell of old things. i am insecure about everything on my body but feel the prettiest when my hair is wild and my makeup is simple. i dream of being a part of a great adventure and being rescued by my knight in shining armor. i enjoy being quite and unnoticed sometimes and hope to one day be seen as dainty and lovely. i think too much into everything and try my best to love on all people i meet.  i think about my presence in a room and the way i portray myself. i try to be not too much but not too little. and all day everyday i think about these things. they are always on my mind. because i am not a guy, i am a girl.

i overanalyze everything. 

and i am hoping one day someone, one man, will see past my "go with the flow one of the guys" front i have put up to protect my heart and knock it down. i hope he will love me because and despite all the reasons i am a girl. and that to him i will be not too much and not too little.

i will be just right.