Friday, April 19, 2013

i throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ayy-oh, God i let go

this last weekend surely did a number on my heart.

first, and most unimportantly, i found out that one of my closest friends talked to a guy that really had hurt me. like, dumped me on valentines day by trying to take another girl home in front of me status. and my friend was drunk, respectively, and at the place he works (which is a crappy bar in midtown btw). she wasn't "hitting on him" but she did talk to him and took a free drink from him. and i swear i'm not normally one of "those" girls but that DEFINITELY violates girl friend code. especially since he hasn't talked to me since the valentines day massacre (i might be a bit over-dramatic, but come on, it sucked!) i have seen him around a few times and both times he completely blew me off and talked to my friend like i wasn't there. actually, i'm not even sure if he acknowledged my existence. and i have asked her multiple times to NOT talk to him but her drunk self definitely doesn't listen. it wasn't necessarily her i was upset at. it was the fact that apparently not all women are invisible to him, just me. and that simply hearing his name makes my stomach and my heart drop in the worst way possible. kind of like a broken dropzone roller coaster  it just falls and crashes to the ground. since february i haven't been able to shake him. the months we spent talking. the kisses he placed on my lips. the attention i was craving that he never seemed to satisfy. he was wrong for me in every single way but i wanted him to be right so badly that i convinced myself he was. and for some reason when i crash and burn the burn seems to lay on my skin much deeper and harder than i wished it did. so saturday night my heart was feeling a little vulnerable after finding out she had talked to him that night.

shortly after beginning to fall asleep i get a text message.

"please pray for nate, he's been hit and he's being taken to the er." 

within a matter of minutes i found out that one of my best friends had been hit in the face and was bleeding everywhere. it was a random attack from a group of guys. he, along with about 15 other people, were standing outside a bar, valentines douche's bar actually, after last call talking when two cars full of guys jumped out with bats and bars and started swinging. one girl got her teeth knocked out, one guy got a few ribs broken, and my friend got about 15 stitches worth in his eye after having below his eye and his entire eyebrow busted open. other people were injured as well and from what i heard it was complete chaos. i woke up to the text and my heart literally burst out of my chest. i had no idea what was going on. he was hit? by a car? by a fist? by a bullet? i had no idea. before i knew what i was doing i was climbing out of my bed with tear soaked cheeks looking for clothes and my keys. i needed to be there. my friends were in danger and i was the only one who could make things better, right? but my friend instructed me to stay home. it was a 20 minute drive and the police were already there.
she said, "stay there and i will keep you updated. there's nothing you can do."


that stung. and for a moment i took it personally. how is there nothing i can do? isn't there a wound that needs pressure. a hug that needs to be given. a police to talk to. isn't there something i can do? these hands were created to heal. to hold. to help. why won't they accept them?

but then i realized there was only one thing i could do.

so i prayed.

i prayed to God that He would be with my friend, nate. that whatever hit him wouldn't break him and that he would be okay. i prayed that the police would find those maniacs. that everyone else that was hurt would be okay.

but it wasn't enough.

i finally sat up in my bed and cried out. i had tears running down my face and i put my hands up in the air. right there in the dark of my bedroom. and i prayed.
and i cried.
and i prayed.

i asked God to take away the hurt that the people who were attacked were suffering through. to take away the ache for me to be down there and that it's not about me and my ability to help. that whatever happened to my friend, whatever it might be, that He would be there with Him in that hospital room because i couldn't be. i asked for Him to give me faith that He is in control and that He won't abandon those He loves.

and i prayed for Him to take the away the pain in my heart that that stupid guy had caused to me. i cried out, "i. can't. take. this. hurt. one. second. longer. PLEASE. take it from me." 
and i swear to you, it was gone. the pain i had been harvesting in my heart for two months vanished.

and as soon as i finished praying my phone rang.

one of my other friends who was downtown called me and asked if i knew what happened. when she heard me crying she asked me if i wanted to talk to nate. he got on the phone and as soon as i heard him speak i became a mess. he was okay. HE WAS OKAY.

his voice was weak but he still mustered up enough energy to try to make ME feel better. (seriously?!) he said, "kiwi, i'm okay. i think i have a concussion but i honestly can't feel anything right now. maybe i'm in shock. but i'm okay. it's going to be okay. please don't cry."

and then he told me a cheesy joke to make me laugh as he said goodbye to go get stitches.

i laid in bed, still a little worried, but feeling much better. i tried to sleep but i was waiting to find out what was going on. he originally thought he had been punched but after seeing a doctor and hearing from witnesses they found out it had actually been a bat that hit him in the face. they also told him if he had been hit a fraction higher or lower he would have been mentally disabled or dead. thank God for  fraction's of an inch, right?

a few hours later, around 5:45 am, he called me to tell me he was home with his mom and he was doing okay. we talked for about fifteen minutes until his pain medication started to seep into his slurring speech and we said goodnight.

this time when i closed my eyes i was able to fall asleep. my worry and anxiety was gone.

in the morning when i woke up i realized what had truly happened.
just like the pain medication made it's way through his body so he would sleep,
God seeped into my heart and into my pain and took it away. He was there, even though i hadn't completely seen it before, He was there. He seeped into that hospital room. into the corner i wasn't able to stand on and help. into each and everyone's pain. He was there.

later that day i found out something bad had happened to another one of my friends and this time i didn't even try to handle the situation. i threw it into God's hands. my heart broke for one of my dearest friend's and the pain that had been caused to her. but this time He allowed me to help. He gave me arms to hold her, words to comfort her, tears to share, and a place of rest and safety for her to curl up into.

with all the things that happened this weekend in my life as well as across the country with shootings and bombings, i have been learning quickly that we can't do anything on our own. we are helpless without Him. i just pray that through all of our tragedies we still find Him in them. in the injuries instead of deaths.
in the undetonated bombs.
and in the fraction's of an inch.

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