maybe/or

i have been kind of absent the past few weeks. last few months to be honest. except for an occasional song lyric or video posted i have basically posted nothing. and that's not because i haven't wanted to.

its because of my heart. because i haven't been able to write words down onto paper. because it's been hard to feel and to think and to do much of anything that requires looking deep into myself. i've spend evenings driving around listening to nothing but the sound of the road under my tires. i've spend mindless hours watching episode after episode of dawson's creek (i know, i know) just so i didn't have to think about anything. and i don't know what's caused me to feel this way.

maybe it's the fact that i am disappointed in myself. in the way my life has turned out. in the things i've done. the action's i have taken. and the one's i haven't.

maybe it's because i feel too much all the time. that i cry when i am happy. and i cry when i am sad. that i cry when i am disappointed. and i cry when i walk into a holy place. 

or that i get angry at people i love. for not understanding me. or listening to me when i speak. for making me feel irrelevant. and i get frustrated for the times that i wish i knew no one and was able to live my life free of anxieties. or that i put too much of myself into people who feast on my good intentions.

maybe it's because i am mad that i am still alone. and angry that i have come to terms with not getting married. that i weep when i see wedding pictures and videos of people truly in love. and know that i might not possibly have that some day.

or it could be the fact that i am still a work in progress. that i have addictions and battles i face the moment i wake up in the morning all the way until i fall asleep. that i can't look in the mirror without wishing it was someone else looking back at me. and that no matter how hard i try i will always be unhappy with this body i am carrying.

maybe it is that i know im not always the best friend to the people who matter. and that i might not be the friend, the person, i thought i was. that the one thing i prided myself on isn't really the truth. that maybe people don't think i am as good of a friend as i think i am. and maybe i don't deserve the few good, best, friend i have. 

maybe its the fact that i realized my hopes, dreams, and aspirations are unoriginal. that i am not the only person who feels the way i do. 

or it could be that i am not the i-don't-care-what-you-think-of-me girl i thought i was. that people's words do hurt me. and they weigh on me. and they crush me.

maybe it's that no matter how hard i try to help people, i can't save them. that i am not capable of helping someone change. that in the end i am the one who always ends up hurt. and changed: hardened. 

or that i am someone who is a doormat. someone that no matter how bad you treat them that they will always be there. because i am not strong enough to walk away. that i am not strong enough or smart enough to fight for myself. and if i am not willing to fight for myself...then who else would even consider fighting for me.

maybe i will wake up tomorrow and not feel any of these things.
or maybe they will be one hundred times worse.

and maybe
just maybe
it's none of these things
or maybe
just maybe 
it's all of them.