Sunday, January 6, 2013

awake my soul

this past week i have been feeling really down and depressed. it could be because my best friend left to go back to southern california. it could be because christmas is finally over and all the holiday cheer i had inside me ended up on the curb with the christmas tree. or it could be a combination of pms and a million other things. regardless of the reason, i have been feeling really sad. i spent my friday evening laying on the couch. then laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. i didn't pray, or even try, i just laid there. silent. motionless. i had not a single ounce of myself left to give. this morning i got a text from a sweet friend telling me she would be at church later in the evening just in case i decided to come. i responded something along the lines of, "i'll try to make it" but my heart wasn't in it. the effort to get dressed, put on make up, and try to be social at church was more than i was comfortable doing. i decided at noon i was going to spend the rest of my day sulking and feeling sorry for myself.

but around two i felt something inside me telling me to get out of bed. i ran a bubble bath for myself and started looking online for writing opportunities  trying to find anything with a hint of promise to encourage my somber heart. after i got out of my bath i got ready and took off to go to shady coffee+tea (my newest obsession). i ordered a vanilla chai and enjoyed the spicey goodness in my styrofoam cup. the pitch perfect soundtrack blasted through my speakers as i made the long drive out to rocklin to go to church. i got there an hour early knowing if i didn't go when i did i would have turned around and went home. i drove down the street a little and sat in my car jotting down idea's that popped into my head for future pieces i hope to write one day. when it was closer to church time i drove back towards the church and snagged a parking spot at the very back of the parking lot. i got inside too early and went into the bathroom at least five times so i had somewhere to stand instead of standing alone in the lobby. the thing that intimidates me about going to church alone is seeing so many people talking and socializing when you have no one to do it with. it's scary. i have grown up in church my whole life and the feeling is still stressful. eventually my friend got there and we went inside where we found another friend already seated and saving our spots. i was happy i didn't bail when i had first got there (which i considered many times) because i probably wouldn't be writing this post if i had. 

and to be honest, the service wasn't life changing in anyway. worship was pretty good but i didn't feel anythingl. i always hope for a soul transformation whenever i haven't been to church in a while but i know that's not how it works. the church focus for this year is "awaken" and the worship team did a cover of mumford & sons awake my soul. one of the lines that particularly stood out to me was,

"in these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. and where you invest your love, you invest your life."

it made me really stop and consider my life. the thing's i invest my love into. the people i invest my heart into. and how that has dramatically effected my life. 

after church, the girls invited me to hang out and after filling our cups with two packets of hot chocolate (and a vanilla bean creamer) we made our way to one of the girls houses. and though we talked about blow holes in hawaii, the proper way to heat up bean and cheese burritos, and watched how candles are made... it was still enough to make my heart feel full. i don't think they realize how much it meant to me to feel loved and appreciated. i left her house feeling happy and excited for life which is the complete opposite of how i felt this morning when i woke up. and it might be true that where we invest our love is where we invest our life, but i also think that where we invest our life and our time is also where we find love. and i felt love tonight. and i felt alive. 

the church is focusing on being awakened this year but that definitely doesn't mean it can only happen within the church walls. it can happen while listening to music, while laughing with new friends, or when you least expect it. i hope this year will bring many opportunities for growth and strengthening.

 i pray with all of my heart that two thousand thirteen will be a year of beauty, a year of change, and a year of awakenment. my soul is in such dire need of all those things and i hope that He will continue to put people in my life who can help me find the way down the path to find all those things and so much more.


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