i just reread my last post and all my words were jumbled and disoriented and i was feeling unnoticed. forgotten.
and last night i got exactly what i was wanting.
i was acknowledged.
taken care of.
yesterday evening i was just slipping into a hot bubble bath when there was a knock on my bathroom door. irritated that i couldn't even get a moment to relax i asked what the person on the other door wanted and i heard the voice of my friend jessica asking what i was doing. i hopped out of the bath and quickly ran into my room with a towel around my body. i slipped on the same sweatpants i've been wearing, every single day, and an oversized tshirt. i figured jessica had just stopped by to say hi since my phone had been off most of the day. i was surprised that she would just come by because people don't really do that anymore. i started to walk down the hall when i noticed that she wasn't the only one waiting for me in the living room. i ran back into my room and tried to make myself look presentable. i hadn't showered in...that's besides the point...and i had been living in three year old sweats. i searched my dirty room for clothes to wear since i hadn't worn real clothes in almost a week. i threw my hair into a bun, put some deodorant on, and walked down the hall to see a living room filled with people. the faces of the people i love most. melissa, jessica, nate, and richard all sat on the furniture in my living room talking to my dad as the tv hummed in the background. when they saw me they all smiled and got up to hug me. we went out front to talk and they all took turns hugging me over and over telling me they missed me. it had been just under a week since i had seen most of them but they had noticed i had gone missing. that i deleted my facebook. that i hadn't gone downtown to see them. that i hadn't text any of them. they noticed. i was embarrassed that i didn't have any makeup on and that my hair probably didn't smell like herbal essence but they didn't seem to care. we laid in the grass in my front yard and caught up and laughed and for the first time in what felt like a long time i was really happy. i figured they were all gonna head downtown and hang out and they were just stopping to say hi to me since me and melissa are neighbors but they asked if i wanted to hang out with them. i agreed if they promised to at least let me take a shower first.
after showering and putting a little makeup on the five of us piled into richard's two door little car and took off to go downtown. nate had borrowed some of my cd's and all of us squished together sang the words to all the song's we use to love in high school. in that moment i was thinking that i could honestly die happy. it was so perfect. five twenty somethings became sixteen year old's for a whole entire car ride. it was perfect. once we got back to the house we ate some dinner and watched an episode of big bang theory before breaking into little groups. melissa and richard are dating so they went into his room and played video games and i went with jessica and nate into his room to play some music. we've been talking about creating a band but never sat down and played together. so i started playing around on the keyboard and jessica and nate played guitar and in about an hour and a half we created a whole song with lyrics and guitar. and i might be biased but i think our song turned out pretty dang awesome. it was so much fun throwing out lyrics and trying to see how they could fit and trying to match the chords on piano that they were playing on guitar. i really hope we keep playing together because it was so much fun. i really loved it.
after we were musically drained and it got too late to keep playing we made our way downstairs and ended the evening coloring dinosaur and lisa frank pictures and watching john tucker must die. it was seriously one of the most fun night's ive ever had. despite the things we did it was wonderful because those four people loved me enough to come to my house and kidnap me when i needed it more than they even knew. they got me out of my house. into real clothes. and socializing and laughing and having fun. when you are depressed and not sleeping days feel like weeks and i had seriously started to lose my mind. but i guess sometimes when you feel like you have no one...people will step up to the plate and show you that you are wrong.
im lucky to have the friends that i have. people who love me even though i have dirty hair. that stick by me when im doing everything i can to run away and disappear. people who truly do notice me. and show me that im not alone.