Monday, November 5, 2012
im really unhappy. and i don't know what to do about it. i feel like my life has come to a complete stop. i don't know what i want to do. where i want to go. what i want to see. who i want to be. none of those things. i keep thinking about florida and how i was so certain it was where i was suppose to be. now three months after i move home i think back on all the moments i had there and long for it again. that's the thing about moving on. whether it's a person. a past relationship. a place you visited. or anything. after time everything always seems better than it really was. a bitter taste in your mouth is replaced with the sweetness of memories. even though my internship in washington was cut short a few years ago and i knew in every ounce of my being i wasn't suppose to be there anymore i can sit here tonight and think back and miss the smell of the ocean every morning when i woke up. or how there were farmers markets every weekend. or how the puget sound was literally outside of my door. all those things sound pretty good right now. but in the moments when i was living there i knew i was suppose to leave. why is it that after time our only memories left are the good ones? we can easily forgive the people who hurt us because after time it stops hurting so bad. and the hurt is replaced with a different kind of pain. the longing and aching for something that is no longer ours. i wish i knew where my next adventure was going to take me. or if i was going to be going on any new adventure at all. but i feel before anything happens for me i always go through this phase. the disconnecting phase. when i don't want anything or anyone near me. when i wear the same sweatpants every day for over a week (or maybe longer) and i go to the movies by myself and sit by myself and cry by myself long after the movie is over and even when im still sitting in the parking lot. this happens to me every year i feel. when i grieve my life. for what it use to be. for what it will never be. i know there will be another side to this but right now, right in the middle of it, i start to feel pretty dang hopeless. i've cut out everything in my life that is distracting me from finding happiness. things that i focus too much of my time on and not enough on myself. i surround myself with people who are life suckers. who need to be fixed. who need to be helped. but when the time comes and i need to be fixed or i need help there is no one in sight. im afraid to call anyone for fear of being a burden. and when i finally decide to open up my simple words are overrun by rambles of selfishness in others lives. i know all people can be selfish and by me wanting to have someone pay attention to me means that im being selfish but i feel like im just never heard. maybe im just being cynical. i know people care about me. but damn it would feel good for them to show it. that when i drop off the face of the earth for almost a week that they would at least say something. or notice im not around. or not texting them. or that i deleted my facebook. no one noticed that i disconnected. and i guess that't not the reason why i did it but i think sometimes it would feel nice for it to be acknowledged i know these thoughts are rambled and aren't really linked together or make sense. but my mind has been clouded by so many thoughts i was afraid i might burst. that's all i have for now. sorry.