Thursday, August 23, 2012
moving home and letting go
the past few months i have been struggling. whenever i stop writing there is usually something going on in my life. and i stopped writing all together. i would try so hard and the words wouldn't come. i was tired, i was worn out, and i was drained. but sometimes it takes the simple act of letting go to allow us to be freed from all of the burdens we chose to carry.
for me, it was letting go of my pride.
i moved to florida with a plan. i was going to work there for a few months, save up, and move up the east coast until i settled somewhere in maryland or virgina. but as soon as i moved to florida my desire for that adventure soon dwindled out. it's not that i don't want to still travel the east coast im just not ready for it right now. so i started my job, rode my bike, and got situated in fort walton. i made friends, found a church, and went on some adventures. and to be honest, it was amazing. the people i met and the things i learned i know i would never find anywhere else in the world and i am so thankful that i moved when i did. i knew from the bottom of my heart that it was where i was suppose to be.
but, after some time my heart started to change. i honestly don't even know why. but i wasn't happy anymore. i was stressed. overwhelmed. sad. i didn't want to do anything when a few months before i was willing to do anything. someone asked me if it was because the "new" feel had started to wear off but that wasn't it. the peace i felt was no longer there and i would spend my evenings laying in bed crying. but i didn't feel lead to go anywhere or to do anything. i would talk to my closest friends about different things i could do and they always told me to wait until i felt peace. for the same peace i felt in moving to florida. and for a month i waited. and cried. and prayed. and finally one monday morning i woke up and knew my answer.
i needed to move back to sacramento. i needed to move home.
for me to realize that was hard. i was so happy i got out of my hometown and moved across the country. people that live here call sacramento a black hole because no one ever leaves and all of a sudden i want to move back? why? i got out. i was one of the lucky ones. when i moved i vowed i would never move back and now im positive in my heart thats what im suppose to do? i knew the only way that my heart could want those things is because God changed it.
i walked into my bosses office shortly after i got to work on the monday i decided to come home and i told him i needed to leave and he simply replied, "i know." he knew how i felt and said he could see it on my face everyday when i would come into work. he knew i was suppose to move back before i even considered it. and as amazing as he was when i moved to florida, he was just as amazing when i moved back. i am so thankful for my boss, bill, he seriously was such a lifesaver when i was in florida. i hope one day i can thank him for all of his help.
i contemplated telling everyone my decision but i decided i didnt really want to tell anyone i was moving home. i didnt want it to be a huge deal. and honestly i think it was for a few reasons. one, mostly i really wanted to surprise some of my friends by coming back. but a little bit of me didnt want to draw attention to the fact that i was coming home. that i had failed. that is where my pride got in the way. i was more worried by what the people in my life would think of me than what was truly in my best interest. i even considered not moving back because i didnt want to have to accept defeat. i didnt want to have to hear dozens of people tell me they are sorry it didnt work out for me.
but then something dawned on me. even if i had stayed in florida for two years people would say the same thing. and to be honest, it doesnt matter what they think. whether they think i failed or not. because i dont think i did. i moved to florida without an expiration date. i wanted to try it out, experience moving to a new city, meet new people, and find myself. and i did all of those things. and it only took my five months to do it.
sometimes, certain chapters in life are meant to be shorter than others.
i have officially been back in california for five days now and the joy and happiness i feel is undeniable. i feel like a new person. because once again i know i am exactly where i am suppose to be. and there is no joy greater than being exactly where God wants you.
so there it is. my story on moving back to sacramento.
but i am so happy.
so at peace.
and for the first time in a long time,
im not tired anymore.