Tuesday, May 8, 2012

the lost and found girl.

ever since she was a small girl
she had always dreamed of finding a place in the world that was hers.
she would be everything and anything for all those she loved.
and would bleed herself dry just to nourish another.
but she never had somewhere to spread her wings.
a refugee to escape to with arms grasping knees tight against her chest.
somewhere she didn't have to do anything.
a place where she could just be.
she needed to find a place in this world for herself.
every other place belonged to someone else on borrowed time.
she searched for miles and miles and over countless state lines
she didn't find it in the arms of almost lovers
or on the lips of empty promises.
it wasn't at the bottom of another empty bottle
or in the confines of the mind she was slowly losing.
no matter where she searched she couldn't find it.
she began to feel hopeless
desperate for discovery.
she was a junky looking for a fix of freedom
for a home to belong to.
for that sweet nectar of happiness had not passed over her lips since God knows when
and after years and years
she finally gave up
called it quits
her heart couldn't bear another dead end road.
that thing she wanted from the most passionate part of her soul had withered away.
much like she had.
she was a skeleton of the person she use to be
a sad mangled portrait of a dream lost.
all she ever wanted was something to call her own.
no person or vice had been able to fill that void
she had tried everything she could.
she fought
and cried in defeat
over and over

finally she decided to head to the coast
and cast all of the things she owned into the ocean
all of the documenting of heartbreaks and lost causes
pictures of who she once was
letters from those who claimed to be another
everything and anything that was a piece in creating this shell of a girl she had become
she tossed them all into the waves and watched them dissolve and disappear
until they were nothing
finally, she threw herself into the water
and let herself sink and swallow
she felt herself dissolve
she started to sink deep
until she thought she would finally be gone forever
but something snapped inside of her
something that caused her to dig her feet deep into the sandy earth 
and push with all her might
gasping for air she returned to the surface
clinging on for any breath of life
she pulled herself to the beach
regaining consciousness she rolled over
and next to her lay a piece of a picture
an image of the girl she once was
a girl filled with life
something as foreign to her as breathing under water
she cried at the pain burning in her lungs
and at the red hot fire in her heart
she had lost who that little girl was
she had lost the life inside of her
by trying to find something that had never been lost at all
how foolish had she become?
in a quest to find a place in the world she had lost her own world
and everything that she was.
in that moment her eyes opened
really, truly opened for the first time in a long time
and she saw that the freedom she longed for
the place to spread her wings and fly
was there all along.
it was inside of her
all she had to do was let it go
she couldn't find her happiness
she couldn't track down her dream
because it wasn't something tangible she could grab
or hold
or feel
it was freedom in letting go
letting go of expectations
surrendering to-do lists
pushing away that image of always having it together
all she wanted was to be free
but never really understood what that meant
until now
she went back into the ocean
but this time swam out just far enough that waves weren't crashing over her anymore
she let the water rock and cradle her in their arms
as she thought back on her life
on all the pain
on the path she had dug into the ground
she remembered the faces of those who loved her
and how they never understood why she said she had to go
she couldn't give them an answer
because she didn't know either.
all she knew is she had to leave
she had to fight to find whatever it was that she was looking for
this dream she always wanted
because she needed to find herself
she just didn't know that's what she was looking for

she decided she had to keep going
it didn't matter where
as long as she was moving
the path she had been down was well worn and trampled on
but she wanted to create a new path
a path that was only hers
somewhere she could spread her wings
a place she could explore and discover
or even dance if she wanted to
it didn't matter
it was her path
her life
her place in this world
and she had finally found the girl who was able to walk down it
the girl she had been looking for all along.

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