lost: unable to find ones way
as of a few weeks ago i finally have my plan set. i met with a school counselor to set up my plan for graduation. i thankfully got into the classes i needed and with the help of my counselor dale i now have an awesome plan ahead of me to get my degree in english from sac state college. also if i wanted i could go through the accelerated teaching credential program and within a year have the ability to teach. the plan sounded wonderful and i was planning to take that skill overseas and teach english to the uneducated and the unloved. thats all i have ever wanted. everything about this felt great. i would be going to school, accomplishing something, and finally have something to show for all the hard work i have been putting into school.
but while walking through the africa part of animal kingdom in orlando, florida i was caught in a moment of awe. the park did a wonderful job creating a true african atmosphere with employees dressed in beautiful garments, stores called authentic african names, and even a real animal habitat that you can go explore on a safari with tour guides speaking in swahili. the longer i was in the area the more and more my heart begin to ache. i realized that while all this was wonderfu...l i wanted more. i didn't just want to see the giraffes and hippos and say jambo to the people walking around. i wanted to feel the true earth of african ground beneath my feet. i wanted to taste true humidity and speak to the people of the country, not paid employees.
then i had a realization. more of a long time coming sort of thing. it wasn't something i didn't already know it's just something i never wanted to accept. that i am not like everyone else and never will be. and not in any way that i think i am better but in the fact that i will never think like everyone else. the idea of spending thousands of dollars and countless hours at school just to be considered "qualified" to help people or to have any kind of real job makes me sick. and as much honor and joy it would bring both me and my family to be the first sutton to ever graduate from college its not for me. not yet. not this way. because that's not my heart. it never has been. don't get me wrong i love school but people are my heart. they are what what makes blood pump through my chest. they are what makes my soul weep both tears of joy and sadness. they are what i need, what i know. they are not a piece of paper saying i am worthy of being looked at for a job because i spent four years of my life learning to love them properly.
let me ask you something. how many books did Jesus read to know how to love people? how many exams did He take to learn to cure the sick and broken? how many dollars did He spend to prove He was worthy enough of loving them?
because He didn't need to read a book to love His people. His heart starting beating because His Father loved them so. He didn't need to take quizzes to test His knowledge of healing, it was the gift, the love language, God gave Him to share with the ones He loved. He didn't need to pour money into any cause to buy the affections of His people and show He was worthy. instead He hung Himself on a wooden cross to pay the ultimate price for the ones He loved and to show He was worthy of their love and they of His.
and no i am not Jesus but ever since i was a little girl i prayed to love people like He did and that love fills my heart and pours out of every ounce of my being. it shows that i was given the gift to love recklessly and without ceasing just like my Father and His Son. and no i cannot heal the blind and cure the sick but that's not the love language and skill i have. i was given compassion, love, affection, and nurturing. i want to take the sick and dying and hold them in my arms. i want to stop their pain, show them they are loved, and how wonderful they truly are. to show them that they were destined for something more. i want to look the evil and broken in the eyes and tell them i love them when no one else does and that someone else loves and knows their heart better than they ever will. and of course i cannot die on a cross and take the sins of the world upon myself but i can take on the hurts and brokenness of those i see and try to ease their pain, even if its just for a little bit. and i can show them the one who can make them new and restore their hearts.
and every time i hear a tribal drum beat my heart takes on that new rhythm as if it is its own. every time i see the canvas of thousands of faces who have never seen or heard of the love my heart knows my eyes burn with tears of compassion. every time i breathe in a new smell of a foreign place my lungs pump faster and harder with adventure for more. every feature of my body from my eyes to see everything the world overlooks down to my feet to take me to the unexplored and undiscovered were created for a reason. for a cause. something i can no longer overlook because the world says its irrational and unobtainable. how many people who were world shakers were given approval by the public for the things they did? how many people thought noah was crazy? that moses was wrong? that david was too weak? by the worlds standards these people were inadequate. but God created them for something more. they were destined for greatness because they rejected the world view of who they were suppose to be.
yes, it would be easier for me to go to school and get my degree. my parents would be proud, i might meet the man of my dreams there, and finally have the all american family i have always wanted. but to me it would be settling. it would be mediocre. because some people were meant for that. most people are. they have ministries in their work places and are involved in the local church and that is exactly what God created them for. but that's not me. that's not what i was created for. i use to feel egotistical and self-centered for saying that but its not that. i know i am destined to explore, to discover, to bleed, to cry, and to sacrifice all for the very people i love so much. for the people that my Father gave all for.
and to be honest. that's all i know. i don't know where i am going, who i am going with, and what i am suppose to do. but i do know that denying the feelings i have in my heart is saying that what God gave me isn't good or worth the risk. because it is. its everything. its who i am.
so by the worlds standard, yes, i am lost. i am unable to find my way. i don't know what path i am on or where its going.
but according to the peace He's given my heart i know i am on the right path. i am building my ark, i am rebelling against the rules that say who i am suppose to be, and i am running towards my goliath. all i can do is trust, pray, and wait for His word and prepare myself more and more for whats to come.