Tuesday, May 31, 2011

everything i want, nothing i need.

okay girls, admit it. we have all spent hours and hours swooning and dreaming about our prince charmings. i am guilty of doing this and even as i write this i cant stop my mind from drifting off. of course there is nothing wrong with imagining your future husband but what is it exactly that you are dreaming about?

are you imagining your wedding day; the tall dark and handsome man at the end of the aisle waiting to seal your love with a sweet kiss? do you dream about your first house, the kids you will have, and all the messy, crazy, beautiful life in between? i know i definitely have and i have even written letters to my future husband expressing my excitement for these things. one of my first posts on here was a list of the things i want in my future husband. i had my "big three" (christian, republican, and virgin) and a long list of random things like he loves to travel, loves kids, is patriotic, ect, ect... i wrote these things in my journal and poured my heart onto the pages. sometimes i go back and read through them all and imagine the kind of man God will bring me. and while the idea of my prince makes my heart leap out of my chest, the reality that he hasn't come fighting and slaying dragons to find me breaks my heart.

last night i tucked myself into bed with covers pulled tightly over my head and quietly i sobbed over the aching loneliness in my heart. i cried over the fact that a man that i have been crazy about for the past few years will never feel the same way about me. i cried because i have never felt good enough. i cried that even though he is a jerk sometimes and is inconsiderate and selfish that he makes me feel alive. i cried to God to take the hurt and desire out of my heart to be with him. i asked God why He would bring me a man who fit every single thing on my laundry list of qualities that i wanted but give him no desire to want me back. and in the midst of tears and cries i had a realization.

how many times have i said want and how many times have i said need? no where in there did i talk about the man i need God to bring me. i talked about the man i want God to bring me. if my husband is not a virgin does that mean he wont be able to take care of me? no. if my husband doesn't know how to fish does that mean he is inadequate? no. hollywood and the media have it so engraved into our minds that there is the PERFECT man out there to satisfy every want we have. in all reality how many things that we truly wanted last year we still desire today with the same fiery intensity? those flames slowly diminish out and with time are replaced with new wants. my dad always told me, "put want in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up fastest." obviously its not gonna be what you "want so bad". but how often do your needs change? we need water to survive. we need food, nutrition and shelter. we need the man God created for us.

the guy that i had feelings for on paper is literally everything i could ever want in a future husband. he is a christian, he is saving himself for marriage, he is passionate about politics like me, and he even fulfills the small things like enjoys holding hands, will get along with my dad, is respectful of my purity, and knows how to fix things up around the house. i convinced myself he is the one i have always wanted and have been waiting around for him to see i am the one too. but when it comes down to it...he isn't a piece of paper. and even though i can cross of the qualities one by one down my whole list of things i want he doesn't give me the things i need. he doesn't take care of me, he doesn't take an interest in getting to know my heart, and he has never fought to earn my affection.

and i will be honest. its so unbelievably hard. it kills me to know that i have found someone i connect with in so many ways and on so many levels but that he isn't the one God created to be my soul mate.

all i can do is wait for the right one and try to find rest in Him. i find comfort in knowing that if this guy who is so awesome isn't the right one, then the one God created for my heart will be my true knight in shining armor and he will make me forget about every other man who has ever come before him. and he will be everything i could ever want and need.


  1. God just used you to speak to me katie. i completely connect to what you're saying. i was in love with my best friend for 2 years and he broke my heart. i fight myself not to repeat that same mistake with another man. i needed the reminder that i the guy God has for me is someone i need, not just someone i want. i love you for posting this dear and being so open about it- thank you. you are not alone in this. i ache for you and i'll say a prayer for you tonight before i go to bed.

  2. wow this is good.
    waiting...it's the biggest thing in life.
    waiting and resting in Him.

  3. I love natalie’s comment above. :) what a sweetheart.

    I love that you share your heart so openly with us—that you are willing to admit your pain and hurt and struggles in order to be real and transparent.

    and i think it is amazing what God is teaching you right now: to let go of what you cling so tightly to. to let go of checklists, of what you think is important. to let go of plans, of preconceived notions, of this idea that one man is going to complete you. human beings are messy people and two messes don’t make a right, but they do compliment each other and hold each other through the journey.

    You are an incredible woman. you possess beautiful, fragile strength. A desire for truth. a love for people. and the God who loves you isn’t going to give you up to just anyone. :) but He will give you over to that Someone, when both of you are ready.

    I am so proud of you, kate. you have come such a long way. I can’t wait to see what the future has for you.

  4. wow. i REALLY needed this, kate. the Lord really spoke to me through this.

    he was everything i ever wanted. he could be a real jerk, we argued all the time, and he was the most stubborn man that ever walked this earth. but he was my best friend.

    i never loved him, but i read the verse in the Bible where Jeremiah says the heart is wicked and deceitful. i can't trust myself to figure out what i need, so i decided to let the Lord take over. His plans are always so much better, but it's so hard sometimes not to think I know best! the Lord really spoke to me through you. thank you so much for being so open!

    <3 suzanne