Saturday, January 29, 2011

30-day blog challenge: day five

Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

first off i am sorry i missed yesterday! i didn't have access to a computer so i couldn't post day five. anyways. although i was very depressed through the middle of my high school years i had "contemplated" ending my own life but something inside me told me i wouldn't do it. i think its because i always knew things would get better and that ending my own life would hurt the people i loved and i felt that was selfish.
the hardest time of my life was my sophomore year of high school. i had been molding out of my squeaky clean image i had my whole life and getting closer to people who weren't necessarily the best influences on me. my cousin alicia, who i was very close to, passed away from cancer during the spring of 2005. even now looking back i cant believe its been so long. for me, it wasn't just losing my cousin. it was heart breaking and sent me running away from God because i prayed so hard He would heal her and He would. but then her body would stop working and she would be worse than she was before. through it all she never gave up and still loved and trusted God even though she knew she was dying. that was so hard for me. i wanted to trust like her and i started to. but when she passed away it was too much. she wore a prayer necklace with a little prayer folded up inside everyday through her cancer. at her funeral my aunt read what was inside and she had written, "God please heal me and make me okay..." i lost it. why would He let her die? why would He kill her? why her? why now? why after letting her get better so many times? i still have so many questions i need to ask Him someday but after being as far from Him as possible i now know it was all in His timing. and while i don't know why she had to die i know that everything happens for a reason and God ultimately has a plan from this all.
i now am closer to God than i have ever been but those months following her death i felt like i was literally the last person in the world. i questioned everything i had always believed in. my brother was going through the same emotions but instead of being sad he went angry and had gotten very dark. i was always afraid to come home from school because i was afraid i would find him dead. those months didn't feel like they happened and while other good things were going on with friends the world at home was somewhere i was miserable. my writing started turning dark and talked a lot about darkness, suicide and pain. they were things i was struggling with inside but for the most part kept completely hidden on the outside.
i think the first glimpse of light i felt was when i went to centrifuge over summer and felt God for the first time in what felt like years. after that camp experience i craved to feel what i felt there. i craved God in every ounce of my being. so since then i have been searching and finding God in every area of my life. i came out of my darkness and ever since then i have been enjoying His light in my life :)

1 comment:

  1. i read this before, but reading it again brought out so many emotions. especially that little message inside alicia's necklace.

    but what i saw as a positive in this was how much of an example she was to you. that despite everything, she was the one to have strength and trust in God and she shined a light that had a radiating effect on everyone around her, including you. so because you've taken amazing qualities from the life she lived, you are still living a part of her legacy, even if she is gone. and that's pretty beautiful.