realities

everyday feels like it gets a little bit harder and every single day i feel a little bit worse then i did the day before. this medical nightmare i am in is getting to the point where it's breaking me. doctors don't know what they are doing. or they just don't care. it's been almost two years since my first medical incident and not ONE thing has been resolved. they just throwing prescriptions at me and i am sick of it. i don't want pills. i want answers. 
with that whole thing building up along other personal problems this month has just been awful. if i am being honest. i am unhappy. not just sad or upset. i am horribly unhappy with my life. and nothing seems to make it better. 

i was talking to a coworker the other day about their life. he is married, has a kid and is working at the shop with me and is about 40 something. i asked him if he was happy and he snickered and said, "he'll no" for someone who seems to have it all together he isn't happy. i asked him why and in summary he doesn't love his wife the way he use to, his son is rebellious and he hates his job. he said he can't wait to finally start living his life. he's over twenty years older then me and he doesn't feel like he's starting living yet. to me that's horribly sad. 

i was talking to another coworker, this one personally being a very good friend of mine. she's my moms age but is one of the nicest, greatest friends i have ever had. i was telling her that i am realizing that in life all those things you dreamed of as a kid will never come true. i told her realistically i will never have my beautiful victorian style house with my dream southern gentleman husband filled with kids i personally got pregnant with and gave birth to. i will probably never look the way i want or find a job i really love. i was horribly saddened saying all this and what she said hurt me the most. she said, "yay you're finally growing up!" THIS is finally growing up? realizing all those years of being asked "what do you wanna be when you grow up" are pointless? watching romance movies and dreaming of my future husband is pointless because i won't ever have that? i will settle down into my unhappy life, at a mediocre job with my plain life? and that's what growing up means? and no i am not saying i need a huge house and nice paying job to be happy but all these past twenty one years of my life i have spent hoping and wishing for a future that i was told i will never have because that's all part of being a grown up? that sucks. what's the point of dreaming if your dreams never come true? 

another thing bothering me is...me. i use to be excited and happy about everything. i was passionate about music and politics. i could talk forever about movies and the places i wanted to see. but now. nothing excites me. i spend days searching for jobs in other states or places to volunteer. i think if i just get out of california i will be happy. but i DID get out of california and it sucked. i was miserable. i waste my time looking for places other then where i am in hope one of these places will make me happier then where i am now. but now what? i'm not passionate about anything anymore and i have no goals i wish to achieve. so what am i doing? why am i here? what's my purpose when i have nothing? i know i have God but i have never felt so far away from Him. it's not even that He abandoned me or anything. i feel let down. like why would He allow me to dream all these things but then show me that it's never going to happen? i know His plan is so much better than mine is but why would He let me get so involved in my heart in something to take it away? why has the world set me up to get hurt? maybe it's better to never dream that way you will never be hurt by the realities of life. because fairy tales aren't real. life is imperfect and flawed. 

i know a lot of this might not make sense but it's been plaguing my mind these past few weeks. i cry all the time. i hate where i am at. i don't like my job. my body is failing me. what i
am learning in school is pointless. and i don't have any friends. i have "friends" who are fun to hang out with every so often but aren't the people who you can call and talk to about this kind of stuff. i tried talking to my mom about it and somehow me telling her i am horribly unhappy turned into a fight. figures. so i turn to you blog. to spill my heart out to and hopefully in time i can come back through here and figure out what it all means. 

if anyone still reads this i ask this of you: please pray for me. my heart is hurting and i need to be close to God. i want to feel Him so badly but can't.

thank you and sorry for the pessimistic post.