10.20.09

i recently figured out in one way im a lot stronger then i thought i was and in another way im a lot weaker then i thought i was. i let my guard down and ended up getting my heart crushed. i have actually never had my heart broken but this is the closest thing ive ever felt and it hurts so bad. im trying my hardest to be strong and not let it get the best of me but its not working too well. sometimes we need to hurt and then we can finally let the healing process begin. i thought i had a solid head on my shoulders and wouldnt waver when i needed to stand tall but i found out that i in fact need to get myself more grounded in my foundation. i need to work on my relationship with God and those in my life who have always been there for me. i need to not let the shallow opinions of others sway the way i feel about myself. i am beaufifully and wonderfully made in Christ and in His image and if a stupid guy cant see how much i have to offer then hes not worth my time. which i already knew. i need to work on getting myself back in shape and living a healthy lifestyle. once i feel beautiful and know i am THEN someone else can see how beautiful i truly am and i can let someone love me. but until i can love myself that isnt going to happen anytime soon. i think i am going to take next semester off and spend some time away. i am going to pray about it and see if there are some internships or mission work i can do instead of going to school in the spring. then next school year i can slowly work through my remaining classes and in 2011 i can switch to a university for intercultural studies. william jessup has an amazing program but it is here in sacramento. so maybe if i spend the next few months away i will be able to stay here for another two years until i can get my degree then go chase the world. right now i need to think about me. i have prayed for all the bad to be removed from my life and God definitely got all the bad from me because i couldnt do it myself. now i need to pick up the battered pieces of my broken life and heart and start working on putting them back together. alone. because i cant always rely on those in my life to help me because people will always let you down but God never will.

that is my most recent update
this is all thats been going on with me and in my heart
thanks for reading