Tuesday, April 17, 2012

three weeks and counting.

there have been so many things i have wanted to write and so many things ive needed to say but for some reason the words haven't been able to come to me.

all i know is i did it. i really, truly did it.

i picked up. i packed and cleaned. and i moved across the country.

my address is now a florida zip code. three two five four seven.

i have been here three weeks to the day and already feel like a new person. and the amount of things i have learned about myself have changed me completely. there is so much to write so i just decided to highlight some of the things that have been going on with me.

-i tried out a church my first sunday i was here and i absolutely loved it. i sat in the parking lot afraid to go inside for a good twenty minutes but finally told myself to suck it up and go in. and boy i am glad i did. i absolutely fell in love and have gone every single sunday i have been here. i never thought i could crave going to church so much but i genuinely do. the moment i walk out the door i wish i could go back in and soak up some more. i feel complete sitting with my bible on my lap and worship music surrounding me. i also decided i want to fully start tithing. its something ive grown up around with my parents but never did on my own. i know this opportunity i have here has nothing to do with me and i want to give the first of my earning and everything i have to the One who made this possible.
- i never realized how stressful it would be being away from home when bad things happen. of course i know life is full of ups and downs but i didn't realize the downs would come so soon. in my first week here my grandmother ended up in the hospital after suffering a minor stroke. my first reaction was to jump into my car and drive to the hospital to see her but then i realized i don't have a car and im over two thousand miles away. i had to settle for phone calls but i still was happy i was able to hear her voice. and of course she was more concerned with how i was doing than her own well being. that's my grandma for you. also, this past weekend my dog allie had to be put down after the tumor in her nose finally ruptured. its never easy to lose a pet, especially one who was so sweet and loving like my al gal, but hearing my mom cry on the phone was enough to make my heart break into a million pieces. but im happy i got to kiss her goodbye and i know she was loved every single moment of her life that we were lucky enough to have with her.
 -i thought that living away from home i would finally be able to get the things i want and do whatever i want. but i found myself calling my mom to ask what kind of laundry detergent we used so my clothes would smell like home. i got some of my favorite recipes from my dad and bought the candles my mom loved. i realized that the things i truly wanted were the things i had all along. from the smell of my laundry to my moms favorite late night snacks.

-ive come to realize that the thing i wanted the most has also become one of the things i stress out about the most. i always wanted to move away and become a new person. i wanted a fresh start and to become the woman i always wanted to be. but i found myself struggling to find an identity in the mist of all this new. in my home town i am kate sutton. sister. daughter. friend. goofball. the girl who drives around in the little white car with the stickers and cracked windshield. i always had a place to be on any given night and could always find someone to be around. i knew where i belonged. but here, im a nobody. im just a face in the crowd. i think it has been a little depressing and humbling at the same time to realize how insignificant that i am in the big scheme of things but also how significant i am to the people in my life back home that still need me. i have been riding on the fact that i am the girl from california who just moved here but i think eventually i will be able to grow back into the girl i was back home and turn her into the woman that i want to be here. i just don't ever want to lose sight of the girl i use to be.

-i also realized that i was meant to be a mermaid. yep. if reincarnation (and mermaids) exists then i am coming back as one. the oceans in northern california, where i am from, are scary. i don't think i have gone in past my waist since i was about five years old. ive never liked swimming in the ocean. the fear of the unknown things lurking in the water terrified me. i was always convinced the oceans main goal in life was to kill all those who dare to enter. whether in the water by a shark or on a boat by storm. but here in florida. sigh. the water is a warm, clear, emerald dream. i swam into the water til my feet didn't touch anymore. fish hurried on past me in little schools and the waves rocked me in their arms. i could have honestly stayed in there forever. out in the water i felt for the first time in a long time completely and totally at peace. i closed my eyes and felt happy. i felt genuine. i felt alive.

all in all these past few weeks have been extremely difficult but extremely rewarding. i know its going to get tougher and i know its going to get better. life is full of ups and downs and a whole bunch of twists you didn't see coming. but what i keep telling myself is to keep my head straight on my shoulders and not take these moments for granted. one day i will look back on this time and i want to be able to say with a satisfied sigh that i gave it my all and that it was good.

thank you everyone for the support and encouragement. your texts and calls mean the world to me. i love you.

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