Thursday, March 15, 2012

note to self

going through old saved documents and found this. its a letter i wrote to myself and even though its only been a few months and i already forgot about it. im excited i saved this because just reading it gave me so much hope for whats next :)

dear kate,

it is officially fifteen minutes into the second day of 2012. i cant believe it. its one of those things that you think will never come and in the blink of an eye its here ready to be experienced. i don't feel like im ready for another year. 2011 just started to take off and now i have to prepare for another year. i feel a bit overwhelmed. so many things to plan for, so many resolutions to make for myself, and so many life changes i want to implement immediately.

but mostly i want to write this letter to myself. i want to tell all of the things i hope this year brings and more and to get them out there on paper.

i want to work on me and getting right. i want to wear my retainer every night. spend time washing my face in warm water and lather my body with a loofa. i want to paint my nails when i want and to read whenever i feel like it. i want to be able to say no to hanging out so i can sit at home and watch a movie with my parents and i want to spend the time to write about what i care about. i want to keep my room clean and finally clean out my car. because honestly; its nasty right now! but i think the most important thing is that i take time for myself. to do what I want to do not what everyone else wants. i want to treasure myself and take care of myself. i want to treat me like i so long to be treated. i want to take the time to make myself feel beautiful from the inside out.
i also want to stop worrying about time. this is the big thing for me. i feel like i should be done with school by now, i shouldn't be living at home anymore, i should be married or at least have a serious boyfriend by now. i should, i should, i should. that's all i say. but the thing is that time shouldn't be spent thinking about how its been wasted because in all reality all i am doing is wasting the time i have now. life shouldnt be treated as a countdown but rather as the build up to something great. i want to sleep in and not look at the clock when i wake up. i want to read for hours and not worry how long ive been reading. i want to spend time with friends and not worry about what time i will be coming home. i want to exercise and not put myself on a time limit. i want to do things not conscience of the clock because all i am doing is putting myself into a box. i want to live second to second. i want to live in the moment. be who i want to be at that exact moment in time. i want to surrender my clock and take advantage of the time i have been given.

i want to get right with God. or whatever that even means. i want to stop being selfish. stop lying. especially to myself. i want to live with a passion that is no longer mine. i want to give up my dreams and desire to be married because that is so hard for me. i am so exhausted and terrified of being alone and of never being married. i feel like i am never going to have that or find a man who loves me. but what i know is that by stressing out about it isn't going to bring him any closer to me. what i need to do is lose myself and my heart in God. i have always loved that quote, "a woman should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her." my castle shouldn't be playing hard to get. my castle should be a heart guarded by Jesus. in order to even know where i am he must know Him. in order to win my heart he must become a man of integrity, of honesty, and a son of God. he must be all the meaning of a man and more before he can even attempt to win me. but in return i must be someone who is actually worth fighting for. if i don't have a heart left to fight for then what do i have to give? i want to rebuild my heart. to mend the pieces that hurt too much to think about. i want to be whole when i find the one i have always dreamed about because i want to be the woman he has always dreamed about too.

its a lot to say i want but its even more to say I WILL. so kate, i am making a promise to you. that i will do all these things. i will be good to you. i will be better. i will try, fail, but never give up.

this is our year. this is my year. 2012. im going to make the best of it.

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