Thursday, September 1, 2011

finding myself again

never in my life had i wished that i was someone different on the inside. on the outside? millions of times. but i have always been happy with the heart and soul God gave me. i know i am too loud, too talkative, and too much sometimes but all the things that make me different and make me unbearable at times are the things that make me kate. that make me one of a kind.

but to be honest in the past few months i have started to despise the person i am. i really think i came under spiritual attack and for the first time ever i started to hate myself for being me. for being too innocent. for liking school. for never drinking with my friends. for being DIFFERENT. why couldn't i just be the same as everyone else? so, i tried to be. i vamped up my image. i started doing what wasn't expected of me and i got attention. lord, i got a lot of attention. and it felt good. and to be honest it went to my head for a second. i started acting different, talking different, and being different. i completely lost sight of myself but i didn't care. this tasted too good to be true.

and it was.

after making some bad decisions i got knocked off my pedestal and my heart and self worth took quite a beating. with hours laying in the fetal position, self thrown pity parties, and a long talk with my best friend i started to see a little glimmer of hope.

and last tonight was the first time in a long time that i truly felt like myself in months. i shed off the cat eye make up, sexy red lips and volumed filled hair for chapstick lips, gold eye lids and bobby pinned back hair. I left the spanx in the drawer next to my zebra print bra and dresses that make me feel like sexy and slipped into an old friends band tshirt that has a unicorn with a mustache, jeans, and purple old lady shoes my best friend begged me to buy. as i sat in my little baby car with the cracked windshield blasting linkin parks hybrid theory i felt like ME.

like the almost twenty two year old that still has to wear a retainer to bed. like the girl who loves dancing movies way too much and gasps every time she sees a vw bus on the road. like the dreamer who writes love letters horribly in cursive to her future husband in class and sometimes pretends the purity ring on her finger is an engagement ring while she is looking at wedding dresses online. like the goofball who giggles shamelessly when someone farts and can't sing a note on key but still tries anyway.

and i felt like the heartbroken person i have been embarrassed to be for the past few months.

i wish i could tell you everything is back to normal, but sadly, its not. just like every other mountain i have climbed. it seems that i climb to the highest peak before i dive head first off of it. but, i am at least going in the right direction and starting to love myself again for the weird, strange, quirky things that make me kate.

life in a journey and sometimes we stray off the path. but i think if we always stayed on the right road all the time that we wouldn't be the strongest, best version of ourselves that we could be. because struggles, heartbreaks and dark hours shape and mold us into better people because of them.

these past few months have been really hard but i know they are another chapter in my life. i have grown tremendously from them and i am thankful i went through it all and that i am moving on from this part of my life. building myself up one day at a time.

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