Friday, June 5, 2009

your love is extravagant

ive been listening to this acoustic singer all night and i really enjoy his music. his name is joshua radin. you should listen to him :)
my mind has been a million places lately. ive been sad, happy, excited, depressed, overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time this past month. i know that sounds impossible but if it was at all humanly possible i would let you into my mind and you could see how insane things are. i dont even know why. i tend to blame it all on my hormones and the things that are going wrong with my body, but what if thats not it. what if there really is a battle going on between my heart and my mind and i cant seem to intercede? i feel like everyday is a constant battle to remain sane in my own skin. some of this doesnt make sense, actually none of this makes sense. i put on a mask to say its all okay but inside im screaming for help. what i dont know what i need help with. i want to be with people, but when im with them all i want to do is be alone. i feel like my life is on a wobbly track to nowhere.

i just feel so lost in life right now
i have no idea what career what i want to do. i know i shouldnt be worried about it but i am. im almost done with my general education....then what? this fall i need to start getting prepared to apply for colleges to transfer to but i have no idea what school, goal or career i want to go for. its easy to say sit back and let God show you but thats definitely not as easy as it is to say. i say it constantly to people when they are going through a rough patch but i have a hard time applying it in my own life. does that make me a hypocrite? i truly believe God has the power to do anything in the world but why cant i fully trust him to take the wheel in my life? is it my pride? my shame? me being too stubborn? or maybe my lack of confidence in myself? who knows? i dont. i want to completely and full heartedly give my heart, life and soul to God. and i know i can. i just need to not let the bad effects on my life bring me down. there are people and things that spring me to the old life i cant live in anymore. i dont want to drink. or smoke. or lie. or cuss. or be lustful. i want to be holy. transparent. a child of God. i want to loudly proclaim Jesus's name and shout it to the world. i believe God put such a desire for missions in me and i want to reach it. but i cant do it on my own. i need God to be there with me, and i know He will if i ask Him. if you are reading this, i dont know if anyone does, but please pray for me. im stepping outside of my box and changing. from 1:48 am this morning on. i will no longer be captive to my old life catching up with me.

i will forget about old boys who treated me like garbage. that means garrett. justin. corbin. brian. ryan. scott. john. brett. all of them used and abused me and no longer will i hurt over them. i will forger about heart breaks i never fully recovered from. friends who never deserved my time. lies ive told and believed. grudges and baggage ive been carrying far too long. all these things are weighing down my soul and choking me out. i am giving them all up. forever. please keep me accountable to this. im gonna struggle but i know that it is for the best. i can do all things through Christ.

"You wont relent until You have it all, my heart is Yours. I set You as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm. for there is love that is as strong as death, jealousy demanding as the grave. and many waters cannot quench this love. You wont relent until You have it all, my heart is Yours. come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame upon my heart. come be the fire inside of me, until You and i are one. i dont want to talk about You like You're not not in the room, i want look right at You, wanna sing right to You. You wont relent until You have it all, my heart is Yours."

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